Be Be Your Love: You Drive Me Crazy
by syd-monpeu
Summary: 7th in the Be Be You Love series. Meredith, Derek and Addison -along with everyone else- deal with the discovery of Addison and Derek's relationship. Are any of the relationships salvageable? Ch5- Meredith
1. Ashes and Wine

Okay. So after an obscene amount of prodding I have started the next section. Apparently people are not a fan of the open ending, however I'm not sure if you'll like this new section any more. We'll see.

Also, when I was kinda sorting out all the ideas for this first chapter I wrote a Marksy drabbly-oneshot thing. It's the same universe, it would actually be a companion piece to this chapter, but if you were interested it's on my LJ and I'll figure out how to link it some how … kedda-nouvelle./10610.html … if that doesn't show up I'll post the link on my profile, if you are going to read it I'd read it before you read this chapter. It's really rough and I was playing with 1st person for awhile, but it's fun.

Okay, on to the chapter.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Addison pressed her palms hard against her temples. Her head was throbbing and the internal tirade seemed determined to physically rip through her skull.

"Are you hungry?"

Addison scoffed under her breath and wiped the beginnings of a tear away from her eye.

"How about a drink then? A big one."

This time Addison chuckled and glanced at Derek as he sat beside her at the small kitchen table. His arm brushed against hers but he didn't look at her.

"I just don't know what to do," he admitted, "I don't even know what…"

Addison took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "Are you going to try to get her back?"

Derek stared at his hands, "We have a daughter. I think I owe it to her to try."

"You owed it to her to stay faithful to her," Addison spat back threading her fingers through her hair.

"You're one to talk about being faithful."

"What I did with Mark is _completely different_ then what you were doing with me."

"I was talking about Geoffrey. Your _fiancée_. The one you were going to _marry_."

"_How_ was I suppose to stay faithful when the love of my life was seducing me into _bed_?"

"This, is not my––"

"Shut up," she cut him off her voice trembling, "I don't want to talk about it right now. Because if we talk we're going to yell and if I yell I'm going to cry, and I can't cry anymore today. So just… be quiet."

Derek sat silently at her side glancing back and forth between her profile and his hands. "I'm going to go get some liquor. Gin?"

She nodded and sheepishly turned her red and bleary eyes to look at him.

He nodded, gave her a small smile, and leaned in the peck her softly on her lips, "I'll be back in a few minutes." He stood and walked to the door, grabbing his keys on the way, "I really am hungry."

XXXX

Addison stood dumbly in front of the stove. All she had been able to find to eat had been pancake mix –– unless, of course, she wanted to deal with trout, which she didn't. But every time she went to pour or mix or add an ingredient she would remember making pancakes on Saturday mornings with Geoffrey. Plain for her, banana for Geoff, blueberry for Daisy and chocolate chip for Ali who never ate with them but would reheat them when she dragged herself out of bed at noon. It took forever to make 4 different kinds, but it was fun.

She and Derek both liked plain with just maple syrup. For some reason that upset her.

She poured the batter on the skillet with a huff. She was going to end it. She was. She just couldn't today, it was his birthday. She tossed a spoon in the sink and ignored the nagging voice in her head that was telling her she was a liar and she wasn't planning on ending it with either of them.

She pulled the coffee maker closer and jabbed at the button before realizing it wasn't even plugged in. Swearing, she grabbed at the plug and jammed it in the socket, knocking over the box of pancake mix in the process. She closed her eyes in frustration as flour filled the air, and she gripped the counter to calm her nerves and her emotions.

Seconds later her eyes flew open as an unfamiliar scent and sounds filled her senses.

She jumped away from the stove. The box. The box had tipped over and caught fire on the burner!

She stared, shocked, at the flames, now spreading and reaching for the curtains above the sink.

Acting on instinct alone she grabbed the fire extinguisher from under the sink, knocking over a slew of cleaning products, which, with her current luck where probably all flammable. Squeezing the trigger she turned her head and closed her eyes against the onslaught of firefighting foam.

But nothing happened.

Addison panicked. The fire was now consuming the curtains and moving towards the cupboards. She turned the canister in her hands, her head trying to make sense of the words printed on it's side. Pull the pin –– there is a pin? She could see no pins. Frantically she examined the nozzle and found the pin, pulling it and pointing the extinguisher at the flames and pulling the trigger.

She took a step back and stared at the charred wall and cupboards, no longer on fire, just smoking and covered in wet foam. She took another step back, towards the door this time, then turned and stumbled out of the trailer and to the edge of the deck. She half sat half collapsed and folded her body down into her lap.

And she started to laugh. Hysterically. And she couldn't stop.

"Addison?"

Addison laughed harder, her stomach tight and sore from the exertion. She heard Derek walk past her and into the trailer. By the time he re-emerged several minutes later she was sobbing.

Hysterically. And she couldn't stop.

"Addis––"

"I didn't mean to," she sobbed, "I knocked over the… and… then the curtains," she buried her face in her hands and tried to bury her entire body in her lap and disappear, "_I didn't mean to burn down the trailer_."

She sobbed as he untangled her hand and pulled her to her feet. They stood a few feet apart, she refused to look at him. He gripped the tips of her fingers and tried to lead her to the car. It took several tries before she obeyed. In fact she wasn't aware of what he was doing, or that she was complying. They were several miles away from the trailer before she realized that she was no longer sitting on the deck. And they passed the _Slice of Seattle_ pizza parlor 4 times before she realized that he was circling the block so she could calm herself.

"I'm okay," she said finally. She flipped open the vanity mirror and took in her appearance. Red eyes, pale, messy hair. She smoothed down her hair and sank back in her seat defeated.

Derek circled the block 2 more times then pulled into the parking lot of a hotel with way to much glass for it to appeal to Addison. "Is this okay?"

"It's fine."

He was silent a moment, "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm not okay, Derek"

"You were… "

"Completely out of control? Thanks. I'm aware," she pushed her door open and slid from the car, standing in front she waited for Derek, refusing eye contact as they walked into the hotel lobby.

He stood slightly in front of her as he requested and paid for a room, he could feel her eyes boring into the back of his neck. He handed her the key without looking at her, "1313," he said dully, not even wanting to see the irony. He handed her the key, "I'll go get our bags."

12 minutes after leaving Addison in the hotel lobby he reached their room to find the keycard balanced carefully on the lock and Addison no where in sight.

XXXX

"Are you _serious_?"

"Are you _kidding_ me?"

"It's midnight."

"You have been trying to get me to move out for 2 years."

Alex stared down at his feet, "More like 3."

"So, I'm moving out."

"Now?"

Cristina turned to stare at Alex, "What are we even fighting about?"

Alex dropped his head back against the wall and stuffed his hands further into the pockets of his jeans, "Meredith is our friend and I'm the jerk whining cause now I have to pay the full rent."

"Ask Callie to move in."

"I don't think that's going to work out."

"Why not? I thought you liked her."

"I do. But…" Alex trailed off and sat on the edge of Cristina's bed, "I think she'll probably dump me when she finds out I knew about Addison and Derek."

Cristina stopped packing and stared at Alex. "You knew."

Alex nodded but had the good sense to keep his eyes lowered. "Addison told me. She needed my help," he looked up at Cristina, his eyes begging her not to kill him, "I only kept it a secret because I didn't want Meredith to get hurt."

Cristina's jaw hung slack for a moment, "You didn't want her to get _hurt? What the hell kind of logic is that?_"

"Listen!" Alex stood and took a step closer to Cristina, "When I found out that Addison had slept with him it was only once and Meredith was not in a position to know about it. We were about to bust her for abusing her painkillers and Addison came to me cause she felt guilty because, well, the night of the accident… "

Cristina started to slowly connect the pieces, "We couldn't find Derek because he was screwing Addison?"

Alex nodded. "She said it wasn't going to happen again."

"We'll she lied," Cristina sat down on the bed as Alex paced back and forth, "So this has been going on for–– "

"I didn't know!" Alex exclaimed, "The next time I knew anything about it was only cause she needed a favor and they ended it a week later. On their own. I didn't think I should say anything because Meredith was pregnant. That's why Addison left him."

"Addison left him––"

"It was mutual," Alex quickly corrected, "I guess."

"And this latest one? When––"

"I don't know. Awhile," Alex stared at a spot directly over Cristina's head, "Since August, I think."

"It's February."

"I know."

"August was when Derek had the heart thing..."

"I know."

"From playing racquetball..."

"Addison called me from the hotel after the ambulance took Derek. I called Mark so he could tell Meredith."

_Knock! Knock! Knock!_

Alex glanced at his watch. 12:27. What the hell.

"I'm on Meredith's team. I'm on her side. All the way. But Addison's my friend," he gave Cristina one last imploring glance and headed for the door.

"Alex," Addison stepped over the threshold and wrapped her arms around his neck burying her face in his chest. "I'm so stupid."

Alex couldn't disagree.

Cristina stepped into the foyer and glared at Addison, her face flushed and furious. She flung her backpack over her shoulder and waved good bye to Alex with a flippant flick of her wrist.

Alex sighed and pulled away from Addison.

For the first time in a long time Addison wasn't crying. "I messed up," she said softly.

Again Alex couldn't disagree.

"Can I stay with you for awhile?"

XXXX

Cristina awoke to her cell phone beeping wildly. She groaned and glanced at the other side of the bed. Meredith was gone.

She picked up the phone and pressed the 'ok' button to access her text message.

_I'm fine. I went to work. -M_

Cristina glanced at the clock. _3:39am. _She groaned again and rolled out of bed. This was going to be a long day.

XXXX

Alex violently attacked the alarm as it went off at 5:45.

"You going to work?" he asked the lump that was Addison. She had slept even less then him.

A hand slowly emerged from underneath the covers and located her purse, tugging it into the cavern of blankets with her. "Richard. It's Addison. I'm not coming in today and I'm turning off my phone." She turned her phone off and pushed everything back onto the floor before kicking off all the blankets.

Alex stared at her and pushed himself up onto his elbow. "Don't you think Richard is going to want a little more of an explanation?"

"He'll figure it out," she stated dully.

Alex nodded and stood up, stretching a bit. "Do you need anything."

"Wine. Red. And a straw. A bendy one." She rolled on to her side away from him, "I don't want to move to drink."

XXXX

Derek paced back and forth in front of the first floor nurses station. From his current position he could see the front door, the main elevator and the main stairwell. He didn't particularly care who he ran into first, he just wanted it to be someone that could tell him that Addison and/or Meredith were okay.

He felt eyes on the back of his neck and he spun around abruptly.

"Meredith…" he breathed.

She glared at him evenly.

He took a step forward, "I'm sorry," he looked her straight in the eyes, "I'm so sorry. I don't know––"

"Are you working today or are you just here to…" Meredith trailed off.

"I'm working," Derek said uncertainly. He took a step forward and reached for her hand, "But Meredith––"

She didn't react at all, "What about Addison?"

"What about her?"

"Is she here? Are you meeting her in later in the on-call room?"

Derek hung his head, "It was never like that," he spoke softly, "You always came first."

Meredith stared hard at him, "Did you spend the night with her. Did you get tired of pretending to apologize to me and spend the night screwing her at your trailer?"

Derek's jaw clenched and he took a step towards her, "I spent the night at a hotel. I wasn't with her. I don't even know where she is."

Her gaze didn't waver, "I don't believe you."

"I stayed at _Skyscape Towers_. I have no idea where Addison spent the night," his voice became harder and more forceful with each word, "And that's the _truth_."

Meredith reached over the counter of the nurses station and picked up the phone. She stared at Derek her eyes furious. "_Skyscape Towers_?" she waited several long seconds, "Hello. Do you have a Derek Shepherd registered?" she raised and eyebrow as that was confirmed, "He is?" She looked away, "He is… Did he –– Did he check in alone? –– I understand," her voice lowered considerably, "but he's my boyfriend, and I recently found out that he's been cheating on me for 2 years with his ex-wife. So if you could just be the guy that breaks the rules… –– I'll hold –– A tall red head? Thanks."

Derek stared wide eyed as Meredith slammed down the phone.

"You want to try that again? Or did you check in with _different tall REDHEAD_?"

"I… She was there," Derek admitted in a rush, "But she didn't stay. We were never even in the room together. She went upstairs, I went to the bar. When I went upstairs she was gone, I don't know where she went."

"So, you didn't spend the night with her because she left?!"

"No!… I… Meredith!" he exclaimed, "She came to me! She was upset! We were both upset. She needed a place to stay, Meredith! What was I suppose to do?"

"Slam the door in her face! Don't check into a hotel with her!"

"I didn't…" Derek turned and stormed a few feet away before turning and coming back, "She was upset and I care about her. Okay? I checked into a hotel so that I would know that she'd be okay for the night. You have friends that wouldn't let me anywhere near you but she has _no one_. I was trying to make sure she was _safe_. Don't hate me for that. Hate me for everything else but don't hate me because I wanted her to be safe on a night were she could have easily gotten hurt. Do _not hate me because I'm worried about her because I have no idea where she went. I've known her for 15 years, I'm allowed to care about her_."

Hurt flashed across her face replacing the anger that had been masking it, "Do _not_ defend her to me."

Derek realized his mistake immediate, "No, Meredith. Not… that's not what I meant… "

"I trusted you," she said in a low tone, "You said you were just friends with her and I trusted you," she looked him straight in the eye, "I never thought that you would do this to me. Not with her."

Derek stared at the floor at his feet, "I'm sorry." He glanced up at her, his eyes pleading.

She shook her head and turned on her heel, marching away.

He followed her, grabbing her arm and turning her to face him, "Meredith––"

"_You slept with Addison!_" she exploded ignoring the obvious stares of people around them, "_Addison! She's the only woman that I have ever felt threatened by. And you KNEW that. You knew she's the only one that has ever come between us. She is the only one that I can never live up to because I'm not your PRECIOUS Addy. I'm just the woman that you screwed until you could figure out a way to go back to your WIFE."_

"_I didn't go back to her. I was just––"_

"_You've been sleeping with her for 2 years. That's not a mistake. That's not an accident. You were WITH HER."_

"Meredith."

Derek and Meredith turned at the sound of a calm voice speaking from near by.

"Meredith," Richard took a step forward and placed a fatherly hand on Meredith's shoulder, "Go up to my office. Lay down. I'll send someone up to take you home."

"I don't––"

"You need a day," Richard told her firmly, leaving no room for argument.

Meredith shot one last glare at Derek and turned on her heel, slamming open the door to the secondary stairwell.

Richard turned his gaze to Derek, "This is a hospital."

Derek's jaw twitched, "I have to work," he replied stubbornly turning away.

"I don't want to see you talking to her unless she talks to you first," Richard ordered.

Derek gabbed the elevator button forcefully. He stepped into the elevator and glowered as Alex stepped in after him.

"She's at my place," Alex told him as he pressed the button for the second floor and the doors closed. "You said you didn't know where she was and you were worried. She's okay. She's in bed with a bottle of wine."

"It's 7:30 in the morning."

"She hasn't opened it yet," Alex informed him shortly as the doors opened again, "And she doesn't want to see you."

XXXX

Sydney checked in at the nurses station of the maternity ward and laughed out loud as she walked down the hall listening to the messages on her voice mail. She pushed open the door at the end of the hall and walked into the dimly lit room.

"12 messages Joanie? 12?"

Joanie opened one eye to glare at her then when back to breathing calmly through her contraction. "They won't call Addison."

"That's because Addison's not here today."

"Get. Her. Here."

"Can't."

"That's what they keep saying."

"Where's Rob?"

"Trying to find someone what will call Addison."

"Hey," Sydney called to the nurse who was hovering nearby, "Do me a favor? Can you go get us some more ice-chips? But not the ones from the Maternity machine. Can you go to the one on the 4th floor in the east wing. They're better." She smiled sweetly as the nurse rolled her eyes and left.

"Are they really better?"

Sydney shrugged, "I don't even know if there's even an ice machine up there. It's the psych ward. She won't really do it." She pulled the chair closer, "Now. I'm going to tell you something, and don't yell at Sydney. Just remember, it's not Sydney's fault."

Joanie nodded suspiciously.

"Derek and Addison kinda got caught with their pants down yesterday and both were pretty publicly dumped, and so now no one knows where Addison is 'cause she's hiding. There is no way she is setting foot in this hospital today."

"No one knows where she is?" Joanie's breathing began to get a little more laboured.

"She called in and said that she wasn't coming in and now her phone is off. No one can reach her and no one knows where she is."

"No one," Joanie asked again, now gasping for air, "Not even Derek?"

"No," Sydney's eyes grew wide and she stood by the bed her hands waving frantically, "What are you doing? What's going on?"

"I –– need –– Addison ––"

"I can't… I don't know…"

"Addison–– find her –– call –– Derek ––"

"I… I can't call Derek. I… don't… okay! Okay!" Sydney pleaded for her to calm down, as she reached for her phone, "I'm calling, it's ringing! Breath! Breath! –– Derek? It's Sydney! Can you come down to 2349? –– NO! _Now! Now! It's an emergency! STAT! STAT!_"

Joanie took a deep breath and cross her hands demurely over her stomach. "Thank you."

Sydney stared at Joanie in disbelief, "Well played."

Joanie nodded. "I'm going to need to rest a minute if I'm going to do that again for Derek."

XXXX

He wasn't sure how he got here, but he was standing in the hallway of Alex Karev's apartment, just outside his bedroom actually, waiting for permission to enter. He was pretty sure he wasn't going to get it.

Slowly he pushed open the door. "Addison?"

"Go away," she didn't move from her position face down and sprawled across the bed.

Derek stood awkwardly in the doorway for a moment then squared his shoulders and stepped into the room and shut the door behind him. "Get up."

"No."

"I'm not asking. I'm telling you. Get up."

"No."

"Joanie is in labour. You have to."

"No."

"Addison!"

"No. I'm in no state to be practicing medicine. Someone else can do it."

"Are you drunk?" There were 2 bottles on the bedside table, but both were full and unopened.

"No," her voice was monotone, "Do you want to know why?"

Derek didn't reply.

"It's threefold. If I open that bottle I will: A, never stop drinking, B, damage my liver even more then I already have binge drinking after Mark and our messy messy divorce, and C, I think it would be better to wait until the excruciating pain starts. Right now I'm pretty numb all on my own."

"She's your friend. She's counting on you."

"I was counting on you and you were planing on marrying her. You were talking about having another baby."

"Meredith was talking."

"And you were what? Nodding so you didn't have to agree out loud?"

"Damn it Addison! Get the hell out of bed!"

"No!"

"_Get out_!"

"_No!_"

"_Get out or I'm going to drag you out!_"

"_No!_"

Derek grabbed her wrist and tugged. He dragged her sideways half off the bed then stopped. She sagged half off the mattress and completely limp so she was dead weight, "Addison," he grunted, dropping her wrist and grabbing her around the waist and lifting her off the mattress.

"Derek! Let me GO!" she squirmed in his arms, twisting and turning and fighting.

"No! You have to," he groaned as her elbow sank into his ribs, "Birth babies."

"I don't want to," she fought him, "I'm not going!"

"Why not?!" He held her tighter.

"Everyone will be talking about it!" She screamed, kicking and slapping until he lost his grip on her and they landed in a heap beside the bed. She was still for a moment, "I don't want to go," she whispered, "Everyone will be staring at me."

"I'm sorry."

She sighed and turned towards him. She curled her body into his side and wrapped an arm around his neck and snaked the other his waist. "I'm tired of people talking about me and staring at me. I am an adulterous whore and now they all know it."

"At least people like you," he reassured her, "You're kind and sweet. No one likes me. They all think I'm a jackass and a liar."

"You are. You lied to me," she murmured, her voice muffled by his shirt, "But I lied too, so can we not talk about it for awhile?"

Derek rubbed small circles on her back for a moment, then touched her knee where her borrowed pajama pants had ridden up, "You didn't have that yesterday," he turned her leg and examined the bruises surrounding her kneecap.

She pulled away and pushed her pants back into place, "It's nothing."

Derek tugged at the other leg and found similar bruises on her other knee. He looked up at her face for a moment, studying her as she looked away evasively, then tugged her to her feet. "What…" he grabbed her arm and pushed her sleeve up, "Who did this?" he demanded, roughly examining her other arm.

"It's nothing," she jerked away, "Leave it alone."

"Where else are they," he demanded angrily following her to Alex's dresser where she started searching for sweats, "Who did this to you?"

"_Get OUT_!" she yelled, turning on him, "_Now! Get out!_"

"_Did you screw Alex last night_?"

"_No! I screwed Geoffrey last night_!"

They glared at each other, chests heaving.

"_Geoffrey_ did this to you?" Derek's voice was vemonness.

"_He wanted me back_!"

"_He wanted–– Addison! He hurt you!_" he stepped closer, touched her cheek gently and lowered his voice, "Addison? Did he…"

"No," she pulled away, "He _loves_ me."

"He loves…" Derek's head was starting to throb, "I'm going to_ kill him_."

"No," her head snapped back to him, "_I wanted him to_."

"You wanted…"

"_He did a hell of a lot more to get me back then you did. You left me. You walked in on me and Mark and you just left! You didn't love me at all! Geoff loves me. Geoff tried to make me his again. I wish you had done that. I wish you had just thrown me down and made me yours again. I wanted to be yours, I needed you to make me yours again and you just LEFT!_"

Derek's eyes flashed with anger. "Get dressed. I'm driving you to the hospital. You are delivering our friends baby whether you like it or not." He turned away from her and sat on the edge of the bed. He watched her in the mirror above the dresser as she slipped the pants off her legs, his eyes frantically checking for bruises on her thighs, and sighing with relief when he saw none. She tugged the oversized t-shirt over her head and Derek sucked in a deep breath through gritted teeth. He believed her when she said it was consensual, but he couldn't believe that she would have wanted something like this. She had a mark on her collar bone where she had been bitten to hard and small bruises on her breasts where she had been handled to roughly. "Addison…"

Addison glanced up to see him watching her in the mirror.

"Come here," he stood her in front of the mirror and stepped back so she could look at herself, "I could never love you like that. I could never do that to you. No matter how angry I was, or how much I loved you and wanted you to be mine again, I could never love you like that."

"No. You just hurt me on the inside instead."

Derek hung his head, "I'll wait for you in the car."

XXXX

"It's a boy," Addison stepped out of the room and smiled at Sydney who was stretched out across 4 empty chairs, "Sebastian."

Sydney raised her arms in triumph, "Derek owes me 50. Apparently being with you does not mean he can predict the gender of the unborn."

"He always guesses 'girl'," Addison sat down by Sydney's feet, "Why is this hall deserted?"

"I've been cheering people to the point of insanity. They're avoiding me." She grinned, "I stashed your jacket and purse in the stairwell. You shouldn't run into anyone on the way out."

Addison smiled gratefully, "You're a good friend."

"Well, I want you in a good mood when we work out my birth plan," she patted her stomach then rested her hands behind her head, "However, Derek is in the stairwell guarding your stuff so… "

Addison groaned, "We had a fight."

"What kind of fight?"

"I don't know. I don't even know what we are anymore. Everything is all screwed up. I mean before everything was screwed up but at least I knew where everyone stood."

"I think you can stand where ever you want to stand."

"I don't know where I want to stand," Addison sighed, "I don't trust him, I don't trust me, and I'm not even sure I want to trust him. They were talking about getting married and… I was standing right there, he was begging for her forgiveness."

"Well," Sydney sat up, "I overhead a fight this morning, actually the entire staff on the first two floors overheard this fight, and he told Meredith that he cares about you and he was worried because he didn't know where you were last night."

"He did?" Addison asked meekly.

"He did. He yelled it. Very loudly. But, I also heard that your trip to Africa was a coverup so you could give birth to his love child."

Addison chuckled and stood, "I should go."

"Remind Derek about my 50," Sydney smiled, also standing and crossing to Joanie's room.

Addison took a deep breath and entered the stairwell. Derek was sitting on the steps facing her. He looked up but didn't stand as she entered.

"I'm sorry," Addison spoke softly. She crossed her arms and leaned against the railing.

"Me too."

"I don't know what I'm going to do," she admitted, "I don't know what I want and I don't know who I want it with."

"You've been my best friend for 15 years. I don't want to loose you," Derek stared down at his palms.

"You don't treat me like your best friend," she smirked, "You don't treat Mark like you treat me."

Derek didn't smile, "Mark wasn't the love of my life."

"Neither was I."

He sighed, "So what do we do now?"

They turned as the door swung open. A young doctor stepped through, raised her eyebrows in surprise and backed out again.

"We're talking!" Addison called after her, "For the love of God! We are 6 feet away from each other! We're just talking!" She sighed in defeat and turned back to Derek, "We can't be seen together anymore. You can have the elevator, I'll take the stairs. If you see me in the cafeteria –– eat from the vending machine. I'll sleep in the on-call rooms on 2nd and 4th you can have 1st and 3rd. Be out of the locker room 20 minutes before rounds so I can get my coat, but otherwise I'll stash my purse in the maternity ward so I can avoid it as much as possible."

"This is how it's going to be?"

"For now," she stepped away, "We've done it before."

He nodded, watching her intently as she took a few steps down the stairs.

At the last minute before she was out of sight she turned back and looked up at him. "I'm sorry I burnt down your house."

He nodded.

She sighed and straightened her purse over her shoulder, "I think I'm ready to start drinking now.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

So, there is the first chapter.

Next chapter skips ahead 3 months so you can expect to see some changes on the relationship fronts. Oh, and an original character that we haven't seen for awhile.

Exciting!

So best review gets an Addison action figure dressed as a sexy firemen, and the second best review gets an Addison action figure in pj's and with her very own wine bottles and bendy straw!


	2. It's Not Love, But It's Still A Feeling

I don't think I can explain how sunburnt I am right now, I am beet red. All over. Except the back of my right thigh, somehow that avoided the sun. And bra's suck.

Okay, I really have nothing else to write. There is another Marksy thing on my LJ if anyone wants to read it, again it's the same time line (like maybe 3 days before this chapter takes place, or a week… who knows) but is mainly just another point of view on what is going on with these people. It's got more character development for Derek I guess then what is in this chapter, but that's just because I didn't have room and he's a tricky little man (and Sydney and Addison have an amusing conversation about Ladytown… not sure how that happened). Anyhoo, I'll put the link on my profile page

Anyway, we are jumping ahead in time again, cause I can do that.

XXXXXXXXXX

5 Months Later

XXXXXXXXXX

Addison stood at the counter systematically chopping vegetables. She wasn't sure of the exact numbers, but she could safely say that they had been eating take out for at least 3 weeks, and probably more then likely over a month. Quite honestly she was sick of it. It wasn't that she wanted to sit down and eat at the kitchen table and have scintillating conversation about their day –– they could sit on the couch and watch the World Poker Tournament for all she cared –– she just wanted a meal that didn't come with it's own napkins and cutlery. As weird as it sounded she wanted to run the dishwasher. When all your food is take-out and therefore not requiring a table setting it's easier to rinse the odd water glass by hand.

She wanted to do something normal.

"You're cooking?"

"I'm sick of pizza," she stated not turning around, "I'm having a stir-fry but I'm making enough for two."

"I like stir-fry," he agreed easily, glancing over her shoulder at her carefully ordered piles of vegetables, "You're kinda obsessive compulsive aren't you?"

"Sometimes," she grinned slyly and turned around. She looped her finger over the neck of his shirt and tugged him closer, pressing their lips hard against each other and deepening the kiss without any pretenses.

He pulled away, "Woman. I just walked in the door. You make me feel used."

"I'm not using you," she pouted, "I like you," she teased looking at him through her lashes.

"I'm just wondering _why_ you like me."

"I think you have a nice ass," she deadpanned.

"Addison," he said seriously.

"Alex," she said, mocking his tone.

He leaned against the counter across from her and studied her. "Can we at least eat first?"

She turned away, "Fine," she replied shortly.

"Addison," Alex sighed her name in frustration.

"It's fine Alex."

"It's not fine."

"I'm not using you," she turned back around and declared.

"You are, but it's okay," Alex assured her, "Just don't forget that I'm good for things other then sex."

She smirked, "But you're so good at the sex."

"So are you."

She blushed and looked away, "Then why are we standing at opposite sides of the kitchen not doing something we are so clearly good at."

"Because I'm your best friend, which I know you hate, and as your best friend I'm telling you it's because substituting sex for feeling stuff is unhealthy. As your 'roommate' it's because I was promised stir-fry and I'm hungry. As your 'friend' it's because I am just plain tired and I just need an hour before any enjoyable yet strenuous activity."

She chuckled and turned back to her chopping, "Tired," she shook her head, "Sleeping with younger guys is such a disappointment."

"I see what you are trying to do," he informed her, tugging his shirt over his head and heading for the shower, "But it won't work. No sex for you for at least two hours."

"What?" she set down her knife, "Al-ex," she whined.

"I'm serious," he called back, "And get cooking woman. Earn your keep."

XXXX

Meredith flipped open her cell phone and glanced at the message, _1 hour_. She groaned and flipped it shut.

"Your guardian?" Cristina asked sarcastically.

"I promised that I'd stop hiding at the hospital and be home at a reasonable time. I'm being reminded that I'm an hour late."

"Big plans?" Cristina stretched out on the outdoor bench, her ears straining for the sounds of sirens and destruction.

"Baking."

"Why?" Cristina seemed disgusted.

"Who knows. Something to do with a homey atmosphere."

"The father of your child cheats on you with his ex-wife and you're being encouraged to create a homey atmosphere?"

"It's easier not to argue.

"So, you going home?"

"Not yet."

XXXX

"We really are good at this," Addison commented rolling on to her side and reaching over to trace Alex's navel.

"Well, look at us. Was there every any doubt?" he asked pushing himself up to lean against the headboard.

"Not from me," she continued to smooth her hand over his stomach, "You know," she began thoughtfully, "You are probably the most stable … relationship I've had since I moved to Seattle," she looked up at him innocently.

He shook his head, "No."

"I'm just saying," her hand toyed it's way up to his chest, "Would it be such a stretch if––"

"Yes," he interrupted, "It would. Because you don't like me."

"I think we've established that I like you just fine."

"You don't like me how you want to like me. And, I don't like you like you think you want me to like you. You like to mess with your own head and we agreed that it was probably safer if you messed with your own head with me instead of random guys you meet in bars and at the supermarket. And it's fine because it doesn't effect our friendship and your hot so I like having sex with you. But I'm not dating you."

"Why not," she whined.

"Because we don't like each other."

"Yes, we do," she cooed, looking at him with a very recognizable glint in her eye.

"No we…" he sighed and gave up, "Fine," he slunk back down in the bed and pulled her into his arms.

"Umm… what are you doing?"

"We're cuddling."

"...Why?"

"Because that's what people who date do after sex," he brushed some hair away from her face and kissed her forehead, "And, I'm making a point."

"… Which is…?"

"You don't want to be in a relationship with me."

"Yes I do," she protested.

"Then why are you so damn tense when I'm trying to cuddle you."

Addison was silent a long moment, "Maybe we aren't cuddly people."

Alex stared at her skeptically, "Have you met you? You're definitely a cuddler."

Addison huffed and climbed out of bed taking the comforter with her and wrapping it around her body, "I'm sleeping in my own room tonight."

"Okay," Alex nodded trying not to laugh as she tried to be haughty yet graceful as she left the room.

"And don't expect anything from me tomorrow," she added as she disappeared into the hallway.

"Okay," Alex agreed with a smirk, "Addison? Can I have my blankets back?" He laughed at her exclamation of exasperation as she hurled his comforter at the open bedroom door. "I was just making a point," he teased, "I love you."

She just slammed her door.

XXXX

"I'm home," Meredith called dully as she walked in the front door, 5 hours late.

"I'm in the kitchen!"

Meredith sighed and followed the voice to the back of the house. She could smell cookies.

"You're late."

"Sorry," Meredith replied automatically and unapologetically.

"I fed all your roommates, including Callie –– she needs to get over herself. There are leftovers in the fridge."

"Thanks," Meredith glanced at the kitchen table, which was strewn with papers and computers, and sat at the counter.

"Bad day?"

"Aren't they all?"

"Quiet day then?"

Meredith nodded.

"So you stuck around and hoped that something would happen so it wouldn't be quite so quiet."

Meredith nodded.

"And when nothing happened –– and knowing that I wasn't going to leave your house until you got home –– you dragged yourself away from the hospital and came home intending to go running until you exhaust yourself and can fall asleep."

"I hate you," Meredith sighed, "What did you do to my kitchen?"

Adrienne glanced over at the table, "Oh, that? I used my children to set up a think-tank. I assigned them each an eastern religion and they are doing some cultural research for my book. I considered hiring a research assistant but I have other plans for that grant money, and they are cheap labour and I can pretend it's part of their homeschooling."

"Where are they now?"

"I sent them up the street for ice cream 'cause I figured that you were going to come home and want to go running and you know how I insist on going with you to try and inspire a breakthrough, and well, I promised myself that I wasn't going to let you run more then 10 lbs off of me and I've lost 11, so I'm counter-acting with ice cream and insisting that you give it up because you are using it as a form of avoidance-of-thinking and your refusal to take sleeping pills –– which is good, but I've made a list and starting tomorrow there will be no more running and we are going to try out some new stuff."

Meredith watched her apprehensively.

Adrienne leaned forward and rested her chin on her palm, "You fascinate me."

XXXX

Alex squared his shoulders and approached Addison in the cafeteria, "Excuse me, Addison?"

Addison glanced up at him but didn't break pace on the salad she was consuming.

"May I sit with you?"

Addison glanced at the empty chair but didn't give him permission to sit down. She was more then a little weary of Alex's polite act.

He sat anyway.

Mark and Sydney exchanged looks and immediately leaned back in their chairs to get more comfortable for the 'show'.

"Would you like to go out for drinks with me?" Alex asked, a smile on his face, "Tonight?"

Addison raised an eyebrow in surprise.

Alex waited.

"Just to clarify," Mark leaned forward, "You're asking her out?"

"Yes," Alex kept his eyes on Addison.

"Okay," Mark sat back.

Addison held his eye for a long moment, then nodded slightly.

"After work? I'll meet you in the lobby at 8?"

She nodded again and he stood.

"Alex?" she asked as he turned away, "Are you making another point?"

"Yes," he grinned, "But I decided you deserved the chance to make your own points."

XXXX

"I'm going to throw a pot."

"Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Well, I haven't 'thrown a pot' since college, but I'm in."

Meredith laughed, a genuinely happy laugh, "Pottery. Adrienne signed me up for a pottery class."

"That's less fun," Cristina poured 4 heaping spoonfuls of sugar into her green tea and took a sip, "I don't get why people like this."

"It's healthy."

"It's disgusting."

"It's good for you."

"Adrienne should consider marijuana therapy."

"I'll mention it to her."

"I'd help. I bet Callie would too, I think she'd a drug dealer."

"Or a stripper."

"That makes sense too," Cristina pressed the button for the elevator, "So, pottery huh?"

XXXX

Derek's head shot up automatically at the sound of heels tapping towards him. "Addis–– Adrienne… "

Adrienne breezed past him, "No."

"I didn't _ask_."

She stopped and turned slowly to face him, "Hello Derek."

"Hi," he began uncertainly, "Adrienne."

"How are you?"

"I'm… could you just––"

"No," Adrienne spun back around and continued down the hall.

"What are you doing here anyway?"

"I'm not telling," she called back over her shoulder, "None of your business."

"Adrienne!" He called after her.

"You're on my list Derek Shepherd. Twice. So watch out." She paused once she got the the end of the corridor, "And for the love of God, get your act together. Be a man."

XXXX

"Hello, sister-of-mine," Adrienne breezed into the locker room where she was told she would find Addison.

"I'm not going speed dating with you," Addison said by way of a greeting.

"Ha," Adrienne replied by way of a laugh, "I wasn't asking. And, I have plans tonight anyway."

"So do I," Addison smiled smugly, "I have a date."

"The young Karev?"

"Indeed."

"You could do worse."

Addison shrugged, "He's my best friend, the sex is hot, I'm not sure why we are just getting around to this now."

Adrienne glanced at her nails regretfully, "I'm going to a pottery class with Meredith."

"You don't have anything to say about me dating Alex Karev?"

"No."

"Why not?" Addison whined dropping down onto the bench, "You're my sister, you love psycho-analyzing me."

"I told you, I'm helping Meredith. You were very mean to her and you don't deserve my help."

"But you're my si-is-ter," Addison continued to whine, successfully turning sister into a three syllable word.

"Next time don't be such a horrible person and I'll help you with your problems."

"I hate you," Addison pouted.

Adrienne grinned and leaned over to press a kiss to Addison's cheek, "I love you too."

XXXX

Addison sauntered across the lobby, hips swaying seductively and a grin on her face.

"You look beautiful," Alex reached out to her and kissed her cheek.

She stepped back in surprise, "What are you doing?"

"I was saying hello and telling you you look beautiful."

She glanced around the hospital lobby.

"Do you not want people at work to know I'm taking you out on a date?"

Her eyes narrowed slightly, but she smiled, "No. It's fine."

"Okay," he grinned, "Lets go." He reached around her and rested his hand on the small of her back to lead her to the door, pausing he swept the door open and allowed her to pass through first.

She was taken aback at first but passed through and smiled graciously at him. "So where are you taking me?"

Alex smiled, "I thought we'd just walk over to Joe's since we both brought our cars to work this morning. No reason to chase each other all over the city."

"Joe's," Addison bit down on her lip for a moment then smiled, "Sounds fun."

"Great," Alex grinned at her and took her hand leading her down the sidewalk and towards Joe's. Again he opened the door for her as they reached the bar, but he didn't drop her hand, in fact he held it tighter as she tried to tug free. "We are on a date remember." He led her to a table in the center of the room and helped her with jacket, making sure to drag his hands down her arms in a very familiar way. Once she was situated on the tall bar chair he dragged his chair close to hers and sat down and rested his arm along the back of her chair.

"Are you quite done?" she asked with a knowing smile.

"This is how I act when I take a woman out."

"Yeah, but it's me."

"And you don't like when guys open doors for you and hold your hand?"

She smirked, "This isn't really us."

"You don't know what us is yet."

"Mmm," she mused, "Okay." She smiled, "Order me some food. I think we are the types where I'm spoiled because you live to serve me."

XXXX

Derek stood by his car staring at the cell phone in his hand. He was meeting Mark and Sydney for drinks, his date had called and cancelled at the last minute, and he was fighting the urge to call Meredith.

He caved.

"Meredith," he began, he had gotten her answering machine –– he always got her answering machine, "I'm not going to call anymore, I promise. I just wanted to say that… well, I'm sorry… and I know you really have no reason to believe me and that me calling you and telling is just making you angry and it's harder for you to move on and… be happy. I know, I remember how that feels. I just… Meredith, I never lied to you when I said that I love you, I do love you. I love Julie, I will always love both of you… and, I'm sorry that I couldn't be the man that I wanted to be for you. I just… I'm sorry.

"I'll never call you again.

"Bye."

XXXX

She was making a point.

She was okay with this. They were having fun. This is why she thought they should do this. They have fun. They talk, they hang out, they share baskets of curly fries and she drinks red wine while pretending she's not stealing 3/4's of his beer. She's ignoring him touching her like he is because she knows that he is trying to get a rise out of her.

They wouldn't be that kind of couple. The kind that sits close, the kind where he plays with the ends of her hair and listens to every word and runs his fingers up and down her arm and plays with her fingers as they talk.

So she's ignoring it. Because she is making a point.

And it's early so there aren't many people here, and no one that she recognizes. She's facing the door and she's been watching.

"Hey, Addison?"

"Mmm?" She turned to face him.

He leaned in.

She leaned back.

He raised an eyebrow.

"What are you doing?"

"I was going to kiss you."

"Why?"

"Because that's what people who date do."

"Here?"

"I'm a guy that likes PDA."

"I'm not a fan," she replied shortly.

"To bad," he smiled easily, "It's happening. And do you know why?"

"Because that's what people who date do?" she asked uncertainly.

"We are sassy tonight," he teased, "But, you're right. And, there's something else. We have never kissed where is hasn't led to sex. This is an important milestone."

She leaned in and narrowed her eyes, "One kiss."

"Three."

"You're negotiating?"

"Yes."

"One."

"I'll come down to two, as long as they are of a certain length and depth."

"What does that mean?"

"Tongue."

"Are you kidding me!"

"A tactful amount of tongue."

"We are in public Alex."

"I'd agree quick, who knows what other ideas I'll come up with."

"Watch your hands," she warned, "Nothing below the shoulders."

"You're wearing a dress."

"So?"

"I want leg."

"No."

"I want 30 seconds of leg or we are revisiting the tongue debate."

"Ugh, fine!"

Alex grinned, "And squeeze my bicep. I like when you do that."

"Yeah?" she grinned in spite of herself.

"Yeah," he leaned in and kissed her, glad that she was smiling as he did so, he has a reputation to think of. He had thought this through, slow and gentle so he could keep it going as long as he could –– make her squirm a bit. This was the part they were good at. He could do this all night, he wasn't the one messing with his own head. And he liked when she squeezed his arm like that. And bit his lip, he really liked when she did that. And played with the buttons on his shirt. And his hand fit perfectly on her thigh –– but he was suppose to be making a point. So he pulled away.

She smiled and wiped some lipstick off his lip with her thumb, "We aren't half bad at this 'just kissing' thing."

"No," he agreed raspily, "You're ruining my point."

She grinned, "Do it again."

He groaned, but obliged and leaned in and pecked at her lips softly a few more times as he tucked some hair behind her ear. He pulled away slowly, putting some distance between them, "I liked dating you."

"Me too," she smiled slyly, "And I can kiss you without wanting to rip your clothes off. Do you see the doors this opens for us?"

"I'm okay if you want to rip off my clothes," he teased leaning in a bit.

"Then maybe we should give up on the date and go home," she smiled and tilted her head and moved closer.

"How's the date going?" Mark greeted them jovially as he pulled out a chair for Sydney and seated her beside Addison.

"Fine," Addison shot Mark a look, "Fantastic even."

Sydney took a sip of her iced tea then dropped her lemon in it and stabbed it viciously with her straw, "That seems to be the impression that Derek was under too. He saw Alex examining your tonsils with his tongue and decided to call it a night."

Addison flushed, "You saw that huh?"

"A lot of people saw that," Sydney assured her resting her hands on her baby-bulge.

Addison flushed a deeper shade of red and gratefully dug through her purse for her pager that conveniently started to beep. She shot Alex an amused glare as he continued to manhandle her in a date-like fashion. She glanced at the message –– _233573_ –– and her expression remained neutral, even though her heart lept. "I have to run back to the hospital," she turned to Alex, "I should only be a few minutes then we can go home."

"Go…" Sydney whined and pouted, "It's only 9:30. We got a babysitter so we could be around grown ups. Don't gooo… I wanted to watch your date."

"Sorry," Addison smiled apologetically as she slipped from her chair, "But we were about to go home anyway." She winked at Alex and patted his chest, "I'll be right back."

She stepped outside and immediately spotted Derek sitting on a bench a little ways down the block. She started towards him, her heels clicking softly on the concrete. "Wanna go for a walk?"

XXXX

"Maybe it could be an ashtray."

"Are you planning on starting to smoke?"

"It might not be such a bad idea," Meredith examined her attempt at pottery with distain rather then pride.

"So," Adrienne rummaged around in her purse for a moment, it was an enormous purse so it was taking her awhile to sort things out in there, "I bought you something… yeah, here. It's even wrapped."

Meredith took the offered gift bag and pulled out a massive amount of black tissue paper to reveal the gift inside. "What is it?"

"It's a journal and many many coloured pens."

"Why?"

"So you can channel your inner overly-emotional-teenager and write about how the world has done you wrong. But, also you can write about all my crazy therapy ideas and whether or not you feel any of them are helping."

Meredith examined it skeptically, "Would you be reading it?"

Adrienne paused and turned the key in the ignition thoughtfully, "I don't know. I hadn't thought about that." She pulled out of the parking lot and drove 2 blocks before she had an answer. "Let's say that it's yours to do with what you like, but should you decide, I would love to see it."

Meredith nodded and continued to sift through her new collection of about 20 multi-coloured pens. "There's no black."

XXXX

"Are you sleeping with Alex?"

Addison paused and leaned against the railing of the harbour side boardwalk. "Yeah."

Derek stuffed his hands in his pockets and stared out over the dark water to the lights on the other side, "Okay."

Addison saw the sadness flash across his face and instantly came to a decision, "We're not… I mean we are, but…" she moved a little closer to him and reached out to touch his arm, pulling back at the last moment, "Do you know what I mean?"

Derek glanced at her and smiled in spite of himself, "Not really."

She sighed, "I don't know how to say this to you," she chewed pensively on her lower lip for a moment, "We're having sex, and I'm living with him. But, I have my own room and we aren't a couple. He's the best friend I have right now, and sometimes we have sex. You know what I'm like when I'm sexually frustrated," she teased, "And, I'm not in the mood for one night stands and … I'm not ready to date yet," she added decidedly.

"I've dated," Derek said suddenly.

Addison leaned away in surprise, "Wow," she said softly, "I wasn't expecting… "

"I'm sorry," he apologized instantly.

"No. No, it's fine. I just didn't expect… it to bother me. Sorry."

"No, I shouldn't have," he paused, "They weren't good dates. The one I met at Joe's it seems is a compulsive gambler. Mark has lost his touch as a wingman. One of us should have caught it, she kept talking about horses."

Addison chuckled.

Derek smiled at her wearily, "There's one, Emily, I like her," he leaned against the railing beside her, "She's a teacher, 4th grade, I met her at the market a few days ago. She's nice," he said slowly, "But… "

"But?"

"But, we work completely different hours, I never know when I'll get out of the hospital, she's done at 4 everyday. She has her weekends and 3 months in the summer, I don't take time off even when I schedule it. She mentioned going canoeing this summer and I'm already worried that I'm going to disappoint her by not having the time," he sighed, "And it doesn't even matter because soon we are going to have to have a conversation," he paused, "She knows I was married, she doesn't know why we divorced. She knows about Meredith, but she doesn't know about Julie or why Meredith left me. I'll have to tell her that I still work at the same hospital with both of you, and even if by some miracle she's okay with all that someday I'll make some innocent comment about one of you and it will start nagging at her. And, eventually, at some ones birthday party or Mark and Sydney's Forth of July party this weekend or on just the street somewhere she'll meet you and she'll never trust me again."

"Why not?" Addison asked quietly staring at her shoes, ignoring the fact that he just said he was bringing a date to their friends party.

"Because she'll like you. Because you're kind and sweet and funny. Because your beautiful and smart and passionate. She'll like you, and she'll know that I like you, and she'll know I loved you enough to be married to you for a decade, to try and work on our marriage when you slept with my best friend and that I had an affair with you once before."

Addison smiled, still staring at the ground, "Yeah. You're screwed."

"I'm just warning you. Dating is tough for people like us."

"Like us?"

"Yeah," he turned to her, "I didn't think that things would turn out like this."

"What did you think would happen?"

"None of this," he admitted, "For one thing I didn't think we would ever end up in Seattle, I thought Mark would eventually find someone and we'd leave him in her capable hands and move back to Connecticut –– 'cause by that time we'd be retiring anyway," he smiled as Addison laughed, "I didn't think we'd ever not want to be together. I never thought you'd not want to be with me. I never thought we would be stupid enough to have a relationship that could hurt so many people so much, and I never thought that after all that we still wouldn't be together."

"We aren't together, Derek, because we don't know each other anymore. When we fell in love we didn't fall in love with people that would hurt people like we hurt people. We were young and stupid and we didn't know what we were doing. We never figured out how to be in love like adults; we were inconsiderate to each other and Meredith and Geoffrey, we were selfish, we lied, we were dishonest –– we were incredibly childish, Derek. And we bring that out in each other because thats that relationship we made for ourselves and it's all we know. And we aren't ready to build anything else right now. So, we aren't together."

"We should try."

"Maybe. But not yet. We need to grow up a little more." They turned and started walking back towards the bar. "The thing with Alex," Addison began again, "I think more then anything I just need too… cleanse my palate. You know? Separate myself a little bit so I can think a little more clearly."

"So…" Derek considered this, then focused his gaze on his feet so he wouldn't have to listen to her, "Are you saying that I should sleep with Emily?"

"No!" Addison exclaimed.

Derek chuckled.

"Okay," she touched his arm lightly so he stopped and turned to her, "Honestly, I don't want you to sleep with anyone that isn't me, I don't want you to even look at anyone that isn't me. But, that's not fair. And, if you want to sleep with her, if you're thinking about sleeping with her, then you should. I wouldn't like it, but I certainly wouldn't blame you or be mad at you."

"I'm not mad at you."

"I know," she teased, "And I really wouldn't care if you were."

XXXX

"So. How was your talk with Derek?"

Addison flushed and squeezed Alex's hand as he led her up the walk to his garden flat. "How'd you know?"

"You kinda smiled when you're pager went off, and when you came back you moved your chair away and no longer looked like you wanted to rip my clothes off."

She smiled, "He asked if I was sleeping with you. I said I was."

"Uhuh," Alex unlocked the door and stepped back to let her pass, "And…?"

"And, we talked a few minutes. That's it."

"And…?"

"And I think that I should start sleeping in my own room," she glanced at him apologetically, "I'm not saying we need to stop having sex, but … "

"No dating and no sleepovers?"

"No. As it turns out I may have a bit of a thing for Derek Shepherd."

Alex rolled his eyes and kissed her forehead, "No kidding."


	3. Because of You

So…. this pretty much took me forever to write. I've become kinda dependent on Sarah to tell me what to do and I'm kinda scared to post this cause she's not online to tell me what I don't like. Anyway. I'm sure the block is over and the juices will be flowing again.

That sounded dirty.

Anyway I'm tired of waiting for Sarah, so if you hate it it's her fault and 18.7 drafts could not make this chapter good.

And once again, for the 3 people that care, there is another Marksy pre-chapter on my LJ cause I didn't have room for Marksy in this. They have their baby. The link is on my profile page.

Enjoy the chapter. It's very long.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"What colour?"

"Pink."

"Pink?"

"It's a girl."

"They already have two girls Derek, don't you think they have enough pink things?"

Derek pushes open the door and automatically lets her pass through in front of him, "What colour did you get them Addison?" he asks in a mocking tone.

"Yellow."

"Yellow?"

"You know, 'Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl with––'"

"Yellow feathers in her hair," Derek finishes for her as he steps up to the scrub sinks, "Fine. Yellow."

"Yellow tea roses Derek."

"I got pink lilies."

"I got yellow tea roses. A whole bush of them. I bought them at the end of May, I planted them, tended to them, watered them and gave them plant vitamin things; and now I'm digging it up and taking it over to Mark and Sydney's so they have a beautiful yellow tea rose bush in honour of their new daughter."

"So you bought a gender-neutral colour a month ago and now you are claiming that you were inspired by her name."

"I preformed all of Sydney's ultrasounds, I knew she was having a girl. And, I knew that if it wasn't a boy –– who would have been named Marcus Xavier Julien –– if it was a girl, they were going to name her Lola Heron. Sydney was even singing the song."

Derek smiles and rinses the soap from his hands, "They were going to name their son after my dad?"

"They were," she smiles back and touches his arm, "Maybe, the next one. Mark's insisting they try till they have a boy." She squeezes his arm gently, "Do good in there."

He grins and meets her eye, "'Kay." He watches her leave then steps into the OR. He spots Meredith standing near the window overlooking the scrub room and defiantly looking away from him. He wavers for a moment, wanting to apologize for talking to Addison, but instead he squares his shoulders and steps up to the table. "It's a beautiful day to save lives. Let's get started."

XXXX

She found this pen in the back of a drawer in her kitchen. She likes it. She uses it when she's writing in her journal as instructed by Adrienne. The pen is black and it bleeds when she writes. She writes about feelings that barely touched upon what she's really feeling, then she leans down and she watches the tiny black lines bleed out from her supposed feelings and into nothingness. She really likes this pen.

She's currently drawing an anatomically correct heart with her pen.

It's a satisfying exercise.

Or it would be if she wasn't crying. But that in itself is satisfying because her tears blur the ink, turning it grey and weakening and crinkling the paper. It seems appropriate. It seems like something that Adrienne would find interesting, so she writes it drown in the margin and draws a box around it –– it's angsty and seems meaningful so Adrienne should eat it up and analyze her silently for a few days instead of forcing her to try meditative drumming again.

Adrienne –– Meredith suspects –– thinks that she's entering another depressive period. She's not. When she's depressed, sad or angry she's more pro-active. She drinks, takes pills, sleeps around etc etc. She's not currently depressed. She's ambivalent. Utterly and completely ambivalent.

She's ambivalent towards life, her friends, her future. The only thing that she's not quite ambivalent towards is Derek and Addison. Separately she is completely ambivalent towards them, well, maybe not completely ambivalent, but separately she can handle them. She can handle it. She compartmentalizes and is left with ambivalence.

It's them together.

She can't do it when they are together. There isn't enough room in the compartments and everything spills over and she wants to cry, scream and hit people –– usually one of them, although once Adrienne substituted for her sister. It helped.

Seeing them together reminds her of all the other times that they were together and she didn't know about it. She remembers insignificant times that he said he was going to be somewhere –– the hospital, the grocery store, the gym, camping –– and she wonders if he was actually there or if he was with her. And then she pictures them together, she tries not to, she really does, but she had a dream. And then she had it again. And now she doesn't even have to be asleep for the dream to find her.

She's walking through the hospital corridors and she's paged, _233673_. In the dream it's an oncall room, and inside Derek and Addison are intertwined on the bed, doing exactly what she's tried so hard not to picture them doing in hospital oncall rooms. Addison is watching her, an indifferent look on her face, and Meredith can't move, she can just watch Addison watching her and Derek sneaking glances at her out of the corner of his eye as he sucks on Addison's shoulder.

When she can move she's in her kitchen. But it's not her kitchen. It's her house, she recognizes it, but the dream is telling her that it's not hers, it's their's. As she walks through the upstairs hallway –– in her dream the hallway seems to lead off the kitchen –– the walls are covered in pictures of Addison and Derek. She remembers them from their photo albums, although in the dream pictures of Addison and Derek don't always look like Addison and Derek, but she knows it's them. She opens the bedroom door, or the dream opens the door, and Addison is in her bed with Derek. They aren't having sex, but the dream tells her they have. They are sitting up in bed –– her back against his chest–– reading the New York Times and eating wedding cake while wearing their labcoats. In her dream they are married. Addison glances at Meredith standing in the doorway and licks some icing –– it's chocolate cake with chocolate frosting –– off her finger and points across the hall saying 'Meredith, could you check on the baby?'

This is the worst part of the dream. The door to the nursery is open, and when she steps inside it's empty. She goes to the crib, but it's empty too, and she stares at the empty crib until she hears the baby cry from behind her. She turns and Derek and Addison are standing there each holding a baby. 'Don't worry Meredith,' Addison smiles, 'I'll take care of Julie'. 'Julie and Julianna couldn't be separated,' Derek looks up from the baby he's holding, 'We decided to take Julie with us. She'll be happier with us and her sister. We're a family.'

Then she's in the forest running. Running until she trips over the steps to the trailer and falls inside. Derek is lying on the bed, naked, with Addison stretched out beside him. She's wearing the red dress she wore to the prom and her feet are resting on the pillow beside Derek's head and her head it moving smoothly up and down over his waist. He moans loudly and opens his eyes to see Meredith standing at the door. He reaches out to Addison but smiles at Meredith, 'Hey, Mer,' Addison is now straddling him and rocking back and forth with her dress spread out around them, 'You weren't here so I asked Addison to fill in, you don't mind if she finishes do you?'

This is usually where the dream ends. She wishes that it ended abruptly there and that she was just left with that image but it usually takes her awhile to get out. She usually has to stand there watching them for awhile. And listening to them. The listening is the worst. They talk in a language that she doesn't understand, and the dream tells her it's because they love each other and she will never understand it. Only once did she manage to get away and leave them behind in the trailer. She was outside and her car was gone –– the dream told her it was gone even though she hadn't driven there as far as the dream would let her remember –– but Derek's car was parked beside her with the motor running and the door open. She slid inside and drove away, but she isn't alone. They are arguing this time. They are sitting on the floor in the back having a picnic with a red and white checkered tablecloth on the ground –– in her dream the back of the car seems to be able to accommodate this –– and they are drinking wine and have candles lit between them. The dream is telling her they are fighting, but they are smiling at each other and she can sense the passion between them as she watches them in the rearview mirror which takes up all her vision. She couldn't stop driving, and the passion between them became more tangible each second. She could feel it even after she woke up.

Now she feels it when she sees them together. Even though she only dreamt that part once and the rest of the dream more times then she can count, it's the fighting set against the romance of a candlelit picnic and the, she refuses to say this word to herself, _love _the dream tells her is there that haunts her. It doesn't seem fair. She'd done everything right. How had she lost him?

Meredith bites down hard on her lip trying to stop the tears she can feel burning at the back of her eyes. Once she starts dwelling on the dream it is almost impossible for her not to cry. Luckily she can usually hide the tears in her morning shower or push them away by running or surgery. But sitting at Joe's eating lunch and staring at her drawing of a black bleeding heart, she can't stop.

She allows herself 4 tears; wipes her eyes and reaches for her water and lets the iciness take over her senses.

That's when Addison walks in the door.

Addison walks up to the bar and speaks to Joe, presumably ordering her lunch, and smiles at him. Her shoulders slump wearily, but she's smiling because she's happy despite it. Meredith watches her step away from the bar and head towards the washrooms.

To do so she has to pass Meredith's table.

Meredith closes her journal and stares down at the tabletop her fingers toying with her napkin. She hears the sharp tap of heels approach then stop, wavering, beside the table. Meredith and Addison remained motionless, uncertain of what they should do when it is clear they know each other is there.

"Could you just not?" Meredith asks quietly, twisting the napkin between her fingers. Her voice shakes and is a higher pitch then usual. The tears are gathering in the corners of her eyes again and she sniffs in vain trying to keep them from falling. "Why are you… you hurt him, why are you… Can't you just not take him?" she shakes her head and looks at the wall away from Addison, "You broke his heart. He was broken and I fixed him. He didn't think he could ever love anyone after what you did to him, but he loved me, and now you think it's okay to just take him back? I did that. I let him love again, you can't…. you can't let me love him and fix him and then just take him back when he's better." Her lips are trembling so hard she can barely speak. She's not bothering to wipe away the tears. "I need him. I can't do it by myself, I don't have anything left to... He made me better, he made me stronger, and I can't be those things without him. I can't get over this without him. I gave up everything because I had him and I can't go back there. I can't just not have him, I can't, I can't do this alone. I hate him so much for what he did, but I need him. You can't…" she pants slightly as she speaks, her phrases are choppy, "I did everything right for him. I gave him everything that you didn't want him to have. I gave him a child and a home, I loved him with every thing I had. I was faithful. I trusted him. I didn't nag him about working long hours, I understood his commitment to his job, I––"

"You made it easy," Addison says softly, almost under her breath. Her head is bowed and she's staring at the floor rather then at Meredith, "You made it easy for us. You !didn't care what he was doing or where he was going. You only cared when you were having one of your little crisis's and––" Addison stops abruptly, "Sorry."

"I trusted him!" Meredith exclaims, "I didn't think I had to question every time his pager went off or his phone rang! You took advantage of how much I loved him and you ––" Meredith takes a deep breath and squeezes out the tears that are clouding her vision. She continues, making an effort to remain calm, "You don't deserve him. You'll just hurt him again. Just… leave him alone. Leave us alone. Let me have my life back. I just…" she looks up at Addison, her eyes pleading and full of tears, "Please, don't take him away from me again."

Addison looks up and meets Meredith's eye, the first eye contact they have made since Derek's birthday over 5 months ago. Tears fall down both women's cheeks and Addison is fighting to stay in control. "I can't promise that, Meredith," she whispers, her voice erratic and full of emotion. Her pager sounds but she ignores it as she silently pleads for Meredith to understand that she can't just let Derek go, "I can't."

XXXX

His stomach is growling. Addison is picking up their lunch at Joe's and she seems to be taking longer then expected. They're starting to let themselves be seen together a little more; so today they are eating sandwiches, together, standing up at the nurses station.

"I have new pictures," Mark arrives and drops a stack of pictures on the counter, "Where's Addison?"

"Getting lunch," Derek dutifully flips through the pictures which seem to document a 5 minutes period of Lola's 3am feeding captured in 42 pictures. "Is that…"

Mark glances over Derek's shoulder and can't help but smile at the picture, "What?"

"Sydney's… nipples."

"That's how the baby eats Derek. I thought you would have known that."

"You are voluntarily showing me pictures of your wife's nipples?"

"Yeah. It's how the––"

"I know it's how the baby eats. But it's your wife's nipples."

"Well, I saw your wife's nipples," Mark picks up the pictures and smiles, "Now we're even."

Derek stares at him with a slightly dumbfounded expression. "Even––"

"She's beautiful isn't she?" Mark continues, "They make it all worth it." He sighs reflectively. "10 years ago if you told me that I would have 3 daughters… if you told me that we'd both have daughters, man, I would have laughed in your face. And to think we met the mothers of our children because I slept with your wife. Weird how the world works –– actually, its kinda amazing. Sleeping with Addison may have been the smartest thing I ever did," he flips the picture around and shows it to Derek again, "Doesn't she look just like Syd?"

Derek continues to stare at Mark in utter bafflement. The timber of Mark's voice hadn't even changed as he made his proclamations, his voice remained calm and gravelly and proud. "You think," Derek spoke slow, attempting to hold his temper in check, "That sleeping with my wife was smart? _My WIFE!_"

"Dude…" Mark breaths, Derek's eyes are wide and threatening and his stance aggressive.

"She was my _wife_. She meant everything to me. She was my entire _world_. _What_ gave you the right? I know we weren't in a good place, but we were okay. We would have been _okay_! You _knew_ how much I loved her, you _knew_ and you slept with her anyway! My best friend. She wanted attention, I get that, but what the hell did you get out of it?"

Mark remains silent, staring down at his feet as Derek unloads 5 years worth of anger from his shoulders.

"I sure as hell hope you got something out of it, because you risked our friendship and my marriage to get it. Because it was not_ worth it! It was not worth it!_"

"You weren't a good husband to her Derek. She needed––"

"Don't _tell me_ what my wife needed. I was there, in the room, while you screwed my wife, it was very clear that you had no idea what she _needed_."

"_What!_"

"You don't think I know what Addison sounds like when you're doing things right?"

Mark's eyes narrow, "You hadn't heard it in awhile, maybe you were mistaken."

"Where did that assumption come from? Why do people assume that she slept with you because she wasn't getting anything from me. I made love to my wife that morning –– we were alway morning people –– so imagine my surprise when I get home 12 hours later and find my _wife on top of my best friend and trying her hardest to pretend she's HAVING THE BEST ––" _Derek falls silent trying to not to say what is on the tip of his tongue. It has always perturbed him that Mark rarely becomes riled up and flustered during fights. His arms are crossed over his chest and his eyes are narrow, but Derek knows that Mark won't raise his voice or flail around making an ass of himself like he will. Derek has been holding this is in for 5 years and the release isn't pretty, "I thought that my best friend would care enough to make sure that my wife at least came while she was cheating on me."

"You think that I'm not a good friend because I didn't _pleasure_ your wife enough? You think that we climbed into your bed to get off? You be quiet and you listen to me, I am the best damn friend you've ever had. Ya, I screwed your wife, but you weren't going to get your head out of your ass until something drastic happened, and she is too good to let go. I know you loved her, but you weren't acting like it so, no, I really didn't feel that bad taking her to bed. You need her more then you needed me so if I had to screw her so she could get your attention then fine. If she just wanted sex do you think she would have taken me upstairs? If she just wanted sex I would have screwed her on the table right in front of the door or on the couch or where ever the hell we happened to be standing. It had to be the bed or there was no point. She wanted _you_. Trust me on this, I had a lot of time to think about it when she left me to live with you in Seattle. So don't tell me that I'm a bad friend. And don't tell me that our affair wasn't the best thing that ever happened to me. My wife and my children are the best thing that I have ever managed to do with my life. They are the only thing that I have and I'm not going to let you diminish them and take them away like you have taken everything else. I want to be your best friend, I do, but I never asked to be dragged into this mess. Ya, I slept with her, but that doesn't mean that I _ever_ understood why you were sleeping with Addison behind Meredith's back. I don't know why you confided in me. I never supported you in that and I never thought it was okay."

"You sleep with everyone!"

"I was _single_."

"You cheated on _Addison_."

"That's not exactly what happened, but she made it perfectly clear that we were not together, and it wasn't a secret that she wanted you to come home. I never cheated on anyone I considered a girlfriend and Addison is the only married woman that I _ever_ slept with –– aside from my wife. Ya, I was the bad guy then, but you are the bad guy now and I'm sick of you expecting me to be your accomplice. I've lost every friend I made in Seattle because of you. Callie was my best friend, and she won't talk to me because I knew about Addison and _you_. Meredith was my friend, we had a bond, and she won't look at me because I kept _your_ secret. I never wanted to know, I never wanted to help. I never wanted to be your excuse or your way out, your go between, your wing man, your spokesperson, your cover up, nothing. You didn't give me a choice. I don't care if she is the love of your life and I ruined everything for you. This mess you are in right now is all you, and if you even think about saying that my wife and my daughters are not worth the self-imposed discomfort you are experiencing I will slap you silly. I slept with your wife, and if I could go back in time I'd do it again."

XXXX

"Where are you?"

"Hell."

"You heard?"

Addison sighs and pulls to a stop at a red light. "I had a _conversation_ with Meredith."

"Oh," Mark pauses, "Have you talked to Derek?"

"No…"

"Don't get mad."

"Telling me not to get mad pretty much guarantees that I will. What's going on?"

"Derek had a breakthrough. He yelled at me for ruining his marriage," Mark sighed and continued "Unfortunately he was in the hallway at the hospital when it happened and he said some things –– about you –– that were probably overheard by some people."

"What did he say?"

"Are you sitting down?"

"I'm driving."

"Okay, well, remember that if you crash I'm the one that will be fixing your gorgeous face."

"Speak."

"He got a little graphic when he was talking about walking in on us in New York –– people may have a bit of an image in their heads now –– and he said that you… he said you were faking your orgasm, and by the way we are having a conversation about that later, and he said that he found that insulting to him."

"Oh, God"

"He also said that he'd made love to you that morning so he didn't know why people were under the assumption that he was neglecting you sexually."

"He said this when _people could hear him?_"

"Addison, he wishes we could take it back. He wishes he never had to leave you."

"But he did. And so, I'm going to _kill_ him."

XXXX

Addison parks her car in front of Harborview High School and silently wonders how this day could get any worse. She had a message on her phone from Derek, an apology, and an awkwardly worded question regarding her plans for the afternoon and whether she was going to be in the hospital –– where there were people. And, he didn't ask why she never came back with his lunch.

She drums her fingers against the steering wheel. He shouldn't be the one apologizing. For the rest of their lives she should be the one apologizing. She cheated on him then cheated with him, she's ruined all trust between them with those two acts alone. She lied to him, a lot. She didn't tell her when she was pregnant because she was afraid he would reject her, then she passed the baby off as Geoff's. She knew it was Derek's. She didn't have paperwork, but she knew it was Derek's. She knew she was pregnant before she took the test, she knew she was pregnant before she was even late. She knew all along that it was Derek's. She had a feeling, and she knew. She told herself she didn't tell him because she didn't know who the father was, but she just didn't want Derek to still choose Meredith. She never told him she almost embarked into parenthood with Mark. She lied a lot. And she cheated a lot. And he hasn't forgiven her. At all.

She doesn't deserve him.

Meredith's right. She needs to leave him alone.

She steps through the doors of the High Schools administrative office and gives her name before being directed down the hall to the open door of the Vice-Principal.

Ali avoids her eye for a moment, but eventually looks up at Addison. Her eyes are full of tears and she seems appropriately ashamed.

"Oh Alison," Addison smiles and lightly kisses the top of Ali's head and smoothes down her hair. She'd missed her. "Rough day?"

"Ms. Montgomery," the Vice-Principle stands and holds out his hand, "We need to talk."

"You're father is not going to be happy," Addison says calmly 20 minutes later as they pull into the suburbs.

"I know."

"What kind of AP summer school doesn't update their students contacts?"

"I asked them to call you."

"Ah."

"Dad wasn't answering his phone and there was no way in hell I was going to call… There was no one else to call."

Addison glances over at Ali who is looking at her apologetically. "Oh." Addison pulls into Geoff's driveway and stares at the house pensively. It was beige now instead of yellow.

"Can you come in for awhile?" Ali asks hesitantly, making no move to get out of the car, "Daisy's at Day Camp until 3, Dad's not home until 5."

Addison glances at her watch and realizes that she doesn't really want to go back to the hospital and she has nothing scheduled –– other then a lunch with a man she's been recently begged not to see and who is apologizing for something she doesn't even know about yet.

"I just want to talk."

Addison nods and turns off the car and follows Ali into the house and into the kitchen where Ali immediately sets about making Cocoa. Addison smiles at the familiarity of the situation. "Ali? Does this have something to do with a boy?"

Ali turns and hesitates, "No."

"Okay. In that case I'm going to lecture for a minute. Drugs Ali? That's not like you. And your vice-principal said that you were in a fight last week and that you've been having trouble with some of the other kids."

"Dad won't let Anna come visit this summer like he promised."

"Because of me?"

Ali nodded.

"What does your expulsion have to do with my niece?"

"Nothing," Ali shrugs, "I was just stupid."

"Smoking pot in the parking lot? I'd say that's stupid, ya."

"I should have suggested we go off school property."

"Might have been a good start," Addison deadpans. "But knock it off. And I'm not kidding. I know you are almost 18 and going to college and I know you're smarter then all those delinquents that you hang out with… but, do me a favor and stop. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal now, but your friends are idiots and I don't want them to drag you down."

"Thanks Add," Ali tries not to smirk as she sarcastically thanks her.

"Okay. So we are never going to have to talk about recreational drug use again, right? Do I have to lecture on drinking in moderation? Because I'll come pick your drunk butt up, but I will lecture you straight through the hangover before giving you the aspirin." Addison stands and pours 2 cups of cocoa. "It won't be pretty." She sets the mug down in front of Ali and notes that she's going to have to leave soon, it's quarter to 3. "Now what's this about a fight? You slapped a girl named Philberta?"

Ali nods.

"Why? 'Cause I'm thinking that with a name like Philberta the girl has enough problems without you hitting her."

"She… talks about me. She says things. And she wrote stuff, about me –– I think it was her. I don't know who else would…"

"What did she say."

"Just stuff," Ali's eyes tear up and she rests her forehead against the palm of her hand, "She… she scratched 'dyke' into the paint on my locker and she just… says things like that in the halls…" she looks up at Addison, her eyes wide and hurt.

Addison's eyebrow shoot up and she puts down her mug.

Ali doesn't say anything, just plays with her bangs and with the silver bangles on her wrist.

"Geoffrey won't let Anna visit?"

"No," Ali protests, "That's just because she's… well, she's _his_ niece," hurt flashes across her face, "Not because… I'm… I'm not… I'm just… It's not my fault that you cheated on him!"

"No," Addison whispers.

"I just… I like her."

"I know," Addison smiles sympathetically, "I can talk to him. I'll ask if she comes to visit me if he'd be okay with you hanging out with her."

"Okay," Ali smiles a bit as the front door slams open and shut.

"Ali!" Daisy yells, "Can we go swimming?" She runs into the kitchen and stops short. "Addy!"

Addison lets out a sigh as Daisy flies into her arms, "Hey Daisy-Boo."

"You missed my birthday party."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I wore the dress you sent me to my party."

"I know. You e-mailed me pictures. You looked so grown up."

"I'm 8."

"I don't believe it. You're still my Daisy-baby."

"How did you get home?" Ali asks.

"I picked her up," Geoffrey steps into the kitchen his eyes trained on Addison, "What are you doing here Addy?"

Addison looks to Ali who flushes nervous.

"I called her," Ali admitted, "I got expelled."

"You––"

"You weren't answering your phone!"

"You were _expelled._"

"For 2 weeks. I can go in on Friday and pick up my assignments for next week."

"Why were you _expelled_."

"I already talked to Addison. It's not going to happen again."

"You talked to Addison…"

"Yes…"

A vein in Geoffrey's head throbs visibly and Addison looks away and focuses on Daisy who is curled up in her lap.

"Ali," Geoff's voice is even but hard, "Take your sister swimming and to get something to eat."

"Okay…"

"And a movie."

"Are you going to fight?" Daisy asks softly, moving closer to Addison.

"Yes."

"Is Addy coming home?"

"Addy and I need to talk right now. But maybe she can take you somewhere to celebrate your birthday. Later."

Daisy slid from Addison's lap but Addison pulled her back, "We'll go Build-a-Bear on Saturday. 'Kay?"

"'Kay."

Addison stands as Ali does, "I'll talk to your dad," she murmurs in a low voice, touching her hand.

Ali hesitates a moment, then hugs Addison tightly, "Thanks."

"Hey, I love you, Alison."

10 minutes later Addison and Geoff are standing alone in the kitchen, the clock on the wall the only noise in the room.

"She called," Addison explains softly, "She needed someone to get her away from that Vice-Principal."

"It's fine," he replies, picking up the cocoa mugs and placing them in the sink, "I'm glad she still feels she can call you."

"Me too," she watches him uncertainly.

"I miss you."

"I miss you too," she breaths as he moves closer.

His hands graze over her arms, "We ended things badly."

"Yes."

"I don't want things to be bad between us."

"No," she whispers.

His hands drop down to hers and their fingertips link loosely together. "I miss you."

"You already said that," she smile softly, leaning in she tilts her face to him and kisses him.

His hand shoots up and rests at the back of her neck preventing her from pulling away. She moans softly and reflexively parts her lips just as he runs his tongue over the bump on her upper lip. Her hands rest on his chest for a moment before she wraps them around his neck and presses their bodies flush. He presses back forcing her to take a step, then another until her back meets the wall beside the stairs to the second story.

"Is this okay?" he questions, his hands slipping under her shirt and his finger tips resting on her stomach.

"Yeah," she exhales, her lips still against his, "It feels very okay."

XXXX

Derek paces back and forth across the bridge of the hospital.

Back and forth, back and forth.

His mind is racing in so many different directions he's not even sure what he's thinking about. Thoughts overlap and rush at him all at once.

Back and forth, back and forth.

He has feelings that he can't even put words too. Feelings about Addison. Feelings about Meredith.

Back and forth, back and forth.

He knows he wishes things were different, but he's not sure what he would change. If he could turn back time, how far would he go?

Back and forth, back and forth.

Would he go back and ignore Adrienne and try harder to win Meredith back? Would he go back and prevent Meredith from finding out about his relationship with Addison? Does he wish he'd never suggested the affair to Addison in the first place? Would he take back the night of Meredith's accident, would he take back frantic sex with Addison?

Back and forth, back and forth.

Would he take back the divorce? The prom? Falling for Meredith? Seattle? Leaving New York? Going home that night? Pushing his wife away? Does he wish he'd never married Addison in the first place? Never loved her? Never met her?

Back and forth, back and forth.

Could he take back anything that resulted in the birth of his daughter? Was her short life worth the pain that he had caused her mother? Was she worth the loss of his wife? Did the love that he have for his daughter ease the pain of loosing two women that he loved.

Back and forth, back and forth.

Loves?

Back and forth, back and forth.

Does he love them? Is there one that he's in love with? Does it matter? Can he be with either after everything?

Back and forth, back and forth.

Was he just unable to let go of Addison? Did he need more time with her? Did he give up on them to fast? Did they just need more time to heal?

Back and forth, back and forth.

Was he just clinging to Meredith? Was he hiding his insecurities behind hers? Was he proving himself by letting her be weak? Did he make her weak? Did he mold her into the kind of person that he needed her to be, then reshape her when the mood suited him? Did he take advantage of her? Was he just blinded by how much he loved her? Did he sadistically want her to understand his pain?

Back and forth, back and forth.

Was he in love with Meredith?

Back and forth.

Did he fall back in love with Addison?

Back and forth.

Did he fall out of love with Meredith?

Back and forth.

Did he never stop loving Addison?

Back and forth, back and forth.

XXXX

"Pot?"

"I talked to her, I wouldn't worry about it," Addison grins and tucks the sheet around her and crosses her legs under her, "At least she's trying it now and not in a few years when she has credit card to borrow money from and a college education to ignore. Now she has 3 friends splitting 60 dollars of weed and making it last a month. How much trouble can she get into? It's her summer before college."

"She's suppose to be taking AP English."

"Marijuana and AP English sounds like a perfect way to spend the last summer of her childhood. It's probably opening her eyes to even more nuances of literature."

"I hope thats not the speech you gave her."

"No," she smirks with a grin, "I told her to knock it off or I'll kick her ass."

"Well, thank God for that. I thought I was going to have to be the only bad cop when I grounded her for the rest of the summer."

"You already are. You won't let Anna visit? You won't let my innocent niece, who lost the ability to walk in a tragic car accident, you won't let her visit Ali even though they've had the trip planned for 6 months."

"She's Derek's niece. Ali understands."

"She really doesn't."

"Ali told you?"

"It's pretty much the entire reason I was in your house."

Geoff sighs and pulls himself up to lean against the headboard.

"I have a suggestion," Addison offers, "Adrienne is in town with her kids. Her daughter is friends with Anna too, they consider themselves cousins. If Anna is in town visiting Ruby, would you have a problem with Ali hanging out with her?"

"Will she unduly influence my daughter to the dark side?"

"Your daughter is the the druggie, I think I should be keeping her away from my nieces."

Geoff gives her a pensive look then leans forward and takes her hands, "I'm glad she called you. I'm glad we're talking."

"We haven't done that much talking, and you weren't answering your phone, and she implied…" Addison quirks an eyebrow, "That there was someone else that she didn't want to call."

Geoff flushes and leans away. "Callie."

"Ah…" Addison moves away, scooting away, "Are you trying to get me killed?"

"It was a rebound thing. Nothing more…"

"Yet."

"Yet."

"Are you trying to get me killed? Callie hates me."

"She doesn't."

"She does. She threatened me. She's oddly protective of you… oh."

"What?"

"Okay. I may have been a bit slow… I think… is it _possible_," she bit down on her lower lip, "That when she introduced us she was seeing what I thought of you."

"I think that's exactly why she introduced us."

"No, no. Hear me out. Do you think that she wanted to see what I thought of you for her?"

"She was married."

"She wasn't happy." Addison bit her lip, "I think she introduced us so I could say that you were better for her then George. I think her marriage was ending and she wanted me to assure her there was someone else out there for… Geoff, I think I stole you from Callie... You can't tell Callie we just had sex."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to die. I'm to young."

"Not because it would get back to someone."

Addison's face falls, "I'm not with him. I wouldn't have…" she sighs and smiles wearily "I guess you have no reason believe that I wouldn't sleep with you if I was with Derek. That's fair."

"I thought you'd be with him."

She smiles, "I kinda thought so too." She moves over so she's sitting beside him, leaning against the headboard. "I don't deserve him. Look at us. I'll just hurt him. I don't deserve … We aren't going to be together."

XXXX

Addison walks slowly down the hospital hallway.

By the time she reaches Derek's corner of the hospital the weight of the day is taking it's toll on her. She pauses at the corner and watches him reading charts. He looks smart. He's acting stupid, but he looks sexy and smart. He looks up and sees her and for the briefest moment his eyes light up, but then his face falls when he remembers what he's said about her and what she's probably heard. Not that it matters, she doesn't deserve him –– now more then ever. In the 6 hours since she last saw him she had sex with Geoff. Good sex, never to be repeated sex, but still good sex. She doesn't deserve Derek. She'll only hurt him. She repeats that to herself a couple of times as he stands there staring at her.

She beckons him to come closer with the crook of her finger but the moment he steps in front of her she simply gives in and slips her arms around his waist and tucks her head under his chin. "Tell me something that will make this easier," she asks looking for affirmation of the days realizations.

He holds out his hands in surprise for a moment. She senses him glancing around and taking in their surroundings and she tightens her arms around him until he tentatively slips his arms around her waist. He sighs and rests his cheek against her forehead, tilting his face down so only she can hear him, "I'm not sure what we're suppose to do next, but we aren't done yet. Not by a long shot."

She smiles sadly, "That's not what I needed to hear. You were suppose to say we should take the hint and jump ship."

"I disagree, that's not what you wanted to hear at all," he lifts his head and links his fingers together resting his hands against her back. He eyes an intern who is watching them, "Hey. We're trying to have a moment here."

Addison lifts her head and looks over his shoulder at the intern too. "Shoo."

She tilts her body away from him, his hands on her back preventing her from stepping away, and she looks at him pensively. She doesn't deserve him. She doesn't. And as much as she tells herself she doesn't deserve him, and even as much as she truly believes it and as much as she doesn't want to hurt him again, which she is positive she will, she loves him and it hurts her not to be with him.

She tucks her head back into the crook of his neck, "Screw it."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Comments are like sex… but less messy and with less contractable diseases. OMG I'm tired that didn't even make sense.

I should get stellar reviews just to get me through the weekend. I'm packing up my whole apartment when all I really want to do is go see Mamma Mia.

And it's raining.

Review.


	4. We're So Beyond This

So, it only took me… what, 6 years to update this?

I appologize profusely.

So I rarely do this –– because I am a selfish bitch –– but I actually get a lot of help when I'm writing these, and yet I never thank anyone. So. I'd like to thank Sarah for putting up with me and going along with it when I force her to force me to write. Also for the brainstorming, cause she is a brainstorming genius. And she can tactfully ignore my whining which has hit an all time high. Basically, she's JAN! Also she brought the shop talk when I was working on the thing at the end, which was an exercise in procrastination and boredom. And thanks to Courtney too cause she was immensely helpful with the thing at the end.

Whatelse… Anyone have ideas for a Hawaiian theme party?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Hello?" Derek answered the phone groggily. It was more reflex then anything, he wasn't even awake enough to realize he was actually conversing with someone.

"Come over." _Click._

Derek held the phone against his cheek for a long moment before realizing that he was given a direct order. He stole a glance at the clock and groaned when he saw _6:37am_ glowing up at him on his day off.

The phone rang again.

Derek hit 'talk' and pressed the phone loosely to his ear and grunted.

"Bring coffee." _Click._

20 minutes later Derek stood still bleary eyed at the already open door and knocked with his elbow –– just to be polite.

"What?" he demanded.

"I'm moving," Addison tossed something into one of the many half packed boxes that were piled around Alex's living room, and had been since she moved in almost 6 months ago. She'd never unpacked, simply picking out the things she needed as she needed them. She seemed put together but, generally speaking, she's was slob. "Gimme coffee." She took a long drink and she surveyed the room. "I haven't slept."

Derek groaned.

"I've been thinking."

It was never good when her sentences were short and to the point. It worried him when she didn't ramble. It meant that she'd made up her mind and there was no wiggle room for him to argue with her.

"We need rules."

He sighed, "We have rules."

Her eyes narrowed, "New rules."

"Why?" he was tired and whining.

"I want you." She replied simply, not even looking at him. She kicked a throw pillow out of the way and walked down the hall to her bedroom.

"You want me?" he followed her at a complete loss for words. In his experience, which was vast, when Addison decided she wanted something, she got it. "You want me." he repeated again, looking around her bedroom which didn't look like she was moving. Things were strewn everywhere and the bed wasn't made. That's how Addison's bedrooms usually looked. There were a few boxes here and there, but, again, she'd never unpacked. It was possible that she wanted him to pack for her and was trying to distract him with other kinds of wanting. "You want me in what sense?"

Addison glanced back over her shoulder, "The biblical sense."

"Biblical…" his eyes darted to the bed and hers followed him.

"In the forever sense." She calmly took a sip of her coffee, her eyes lingered on the bed a bit longer, "Until one of us dies."

"Ahhh…" He stood stalk-still for a long moment, still staring at the bed as she pulled things out of her closet –– her closet was neat and organized according to the type of garment and fabric –– and tossed them on the bed. "Dies?" he finally managed to ask.

"Can you take the backseat out of your car?"

"Until one of us dies?"

"I have a meeting with Richard at 3 and an appointment at 8 to sign the lease and I have another appointment at the bank at 10 and another at 11."

"Dies?"

"I ordered some stuff that should be delivered to the new house at 4. You can sign for it if I'm not back."

"Addison…"

"I might paint the bedroom red."

"What's going on?"

"I want you."

"I know, but…"

"I can't have you if I'm living with Alex. So I'm moving."

"When did you decide this?"

"Yesterday."

"Yesterday?"

"You yelled at Mark, in front of people, about our sex life."

"Uhhh..."

"It made me want to kill you. But, then I saw you and I just wanted you."

"You wanted me."

"So, I made plans."

"You decided yesterday that you want me?"

Addison smiled shyly and took a step closer and lay a hand flat on his chest, "I decided the day I met you that I wanted you. Yesterday I just… remembered why."

"Why…?"

"Because, I love you. All of you. Everyday. No matter what––"

He looked at her sheepishly.

"For as long as we both shall live," she concluded confidently.

He paled.

She faltered, her demeanor instantly becoming vulnerable. "I made some rules," she said softly, picking up a piece of paper and glancing over it quickly before pressing it into his hand. "I want you––" her hand curled around his and she softly kissed his lower lip, "––still," she kissed his upper lip and either corner, "And I want you to want me just as much." She hesitated a moment before pressing her lips firmly to his and combing her fingers back through his hair to grip the back of his neck. She tilted her head a little further to the side and pressed her body flush to his and whimpered longingly when he pulled her against him and traced her lips with the tip of his tongue.

They hadn't kissed since the night Geoff and Meredith discovered their relationship.

She sighed and pulled back a bit, then pressed one last firm kiss against his lips, "That's definitely against the rules," she sighed, detangling herself and looking around for something else to focus her attention on.

"I'm going to hate these aren't I?"

"Most certainly," unable to help herself she kissed him again –– quickly. "I'm going to shower. Read them. We'll talk later."

XXXX

"Who are all these people?" Meredith asked in confusion as Adrienne pushed her down the stairs and out her front door.

"The one in the black is Carlo and the short one is Wang Lee."

"Wang Lee? Seriously?"

"Yes. Now I have a project set up for you in the back. Is there anything you need in the house? 'Cause once Carlo's people get here you aren't allowed back in."

"What are you doing to my house?"

"Experimenting with my book advance. I really think this will work. I've been doing some reading and it is clear to me that your Zen is murky and your Chakras are wonky."

"I don't understand why you are so highly respected."

"Me neither. This was Lucifer's idea –– in a round about way. I did some early morning research and google searches to ascertain if she was maybe on to something, and it turns out she is. She's actually annoyingly smart. I'm just funding this little adventure and hiring the brawn," Adrienne grinned, "Now go out back. I went to the nursery this morning, you're going to plant a garden. Here's your hoe."

XXXX

Alex stretched then reached for another box out of the back of the van. He was in the process of moving Addison's things out of her storage unit. He didn't think she could possibly have more things that weren't cluttering up his dinning room, living room, hallways or stacked in her bedroom, but clearly he was wrong. And furniture. For a woman that moved from a trailer, to a hotel, to a pre-furnished condo, to her boyfriends, to his guest room; she'd managed to accumulated a lot of furniture.

He picked up a box labeled 'Addison's Half of the Wedding China' and 'Fragile!', 'Breakable' and 'ATTENTION! TRANSPORT WITH CAUTION!' in dark bold angry letters and rolled his eyes as he spotted Derek's car turn the corner slowly as he searched for Addison's new house. Alex disappeared inside and set the china in the corner of Addison's dinning room and headed back outside to meet Derek.

Derek stood on the front lawn, hands on his hips, and stared at the row house. 2 stories, stone, dark blue wooden front door that would take a battering ram to knock down. It was nice. Very Seattle Addison.

"You come to help?" Alex demanded, shielding his eyes from the sun.

Derek nodded and joined Alex at the back of the van.

"These are yours," Alex smirked as he handed Derek the box marked 'Cowardly Prick's Half of the Wedding China which clearly means NOTHING to him' and 'Kick, drop and smash if necessary'. The box rattled as Derek lifted it.

Derek stared at the box in his arms for a long moment, then broke out into a large smile. He placed it carefully on the grass and sliced through the tape with his keys. Every piece of extremely expensive bone china was smashed into impressively small pieces. He chuckled. "Do you think it broke when she threw it into the box in a blind rage, or do you think she took a hammer to it?"

"Both?"

Derek laughed again and nodded, closing the box again he carefully carried it to his car and put it in the front seat.

"So," Alex waited until Derek joined him again at the back of the van to help him carry in a huge solid wood bookcase, "What's the deal? Is she doing this on her own, or are you moving in too?"

"It's just her," Derek replied uneasily as he strained under the weight of the bookcase.

"She's not giving you anymore chances. I think that after today she's done with trying." Alex lifted his end easily.

Derek tried shifting the weight so he could look behind him and not trip over the front step.

"She'll find someone else. Easily. You know how easy she is to love. She's done with you. So if you want _whatever_ with her, I'd go along with her whims right now. Even if they seem insane."

Derek paused to glare at him and trudged, backwards, up the 3 steps to the front door.

"She won't look back. You know she doesn't love half way, and if she decides she's done with you, you don't have a chance with her. Dude, she was up all night running around the apartment packing things and buying houses and furniture. She dragged her sister to an all night hardware store at 2am to look at paint chips. She's doing this for herself, and she's willing to share it, but it's not an open ended offer."

"I don't need help with my relationship with Addison, especially not from you," Derek clenched his teeth and carefully set the bookcase upright in the middle of the living room, "I know her. I know what she wants. I know how to give it to her."

"Then you know that she wants this bookcase in the bedroom," Alex pointed to the wooden staircase, "Upstairs."

XXXX

"How come you don't have any flowers?"

Meredith jumped, startled, and glanced up at her back deck. Opal was hanging over the side looking at her, "You scared me. Where'd you come from?"

"Your house smells. Mom made me leave."

Meredith stared past her at the open windows of the kitchen, "Are they painting?"

Opal nodded, "I like the living room the best."

"Why? What are they doing to the living room?"

"It's purple to match your couch and there is a girl upstairs making new curtains. And the little man with the funny coat said that your energy was getting stuck under the couch so he moved it to the other side of the fireplace."

"They painted the living room the same colour as my couch?"

"No. It's a different purple. Because you're in shock."

Meredith smiled in spite of herself, "I'm in shock am I?"

"I dunno. Ruby said you are emotionally disturbed."

"Okay," Meredith laughed, "Can you tell me how many plants are left up there?"

Opal looked down around her feet, "5. But they are all ugly."

"I know. Everything is just plain and leafy. No flowers. Just green."

"My mom said you're suppose-ta-be absorbing more green." Opal stated as she balanced on her forearms on the railing and kicked her feet out behind her.

"What does that mean?"

"I dunno. They have a list. Mom said you need more colour absorption. Is that why you are emotionally disturbed?"

"Maybe," Meredith admitted with a smile, "Tell you what Opal. You steal that list for me, I'll take you out for ice cream and to buy some real flowers."

"Can I help plant them? Even though I'm not emotionally disturbed?"

"Sure," Meredith agreed, glancing at the house where Adrienne was apparently colour coding her home to offset Meredith's emotional disturbances, "We'll consider it preventive therapy."

XXXX

"You're LEAVING?"

"Yes," Addison replied calmly her hands folded demurely in her lap, "My contract expires at the end of this month and I've talked to Mercy West and they have offered me a position––"

"No"

"Richard!"

"You aren't leaving. PATRICIA?" Richard bellowed out the open door, pacing across the floor then abruptly back to stand in front of Addison, "You aren't leaving," he repeated as he waited for his assistant to enter the room, "Patricia, how much of a raise can I get approved to keep Dr. Montgomery?"

"Richard," Addison protested gently, "It's not the money."

"And research. See what the board has on the table that she can spearhead. Something she can publish. Or teach. Do you want to teach? Something… genetics? Patricia, call the university and see if they need a professor in genetics or obstetrics or neonatal something, or… what else do you do?"

Addison raised an eyebrow, "I'm a pretty decent surgeon."

"Right. Did you get all that? Call. Now." Richard turned to Addison again, "You aren't leaving, I'm finding stuff for you to do."

"I'm not bored Richard," Addison calmly tried to reason with him, "and I don't want more money. I can't… I can't work with Derek anymore."

"You can't work with Derek?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know what we are doing, but I want to try and I'm hoping that he'll want to try –– I think he wants to try Richard, I'm almost certain. But if we try and if it doesn't work I can't work with him, I can't be working with him if we can't be together, it's to hard. And I want us to be together and if we want to have any chance of that we need space from each other and we need privacy. I can't even say good morning to him without people gossiping about it."

"PATRICIA! Get Dr. Shepherd."

"He's right here," Patricia stood in the door way, "Pacing, muttering about ultimatums and solid walnut bookcases."

"Send him in," Richard stood with his hands on his hips staring down Derek as he walked into office and stood next to Addison's chair. "You're fired."

"WHAT?!" Addison and Derek screeched in unison.

"Addison, call Mercy West and tell them you can't accept their offer and ask if they need a neurosugeon with impeccable references."

"But I––"

"RICHARD!" Derek roared, fury flashing across his face, "YOU CANNOT––"

"This is final Derek," Richard replied calmly, ignoring Addison who sank weakly back into her seat, "And it's for the best. Trust me."

Derek stood, chin slack. He turned abruptly and glared at Addison who pointedly avoided his eye. "Unbelievable," he spat, turning on his heel and storming from the room.

The room was still, neither Addison nor Richard moved until Addison choked back a heartbroken sob and buried her face in her hands.

"Why would you do that?" she demanded, her tears making it hard not only for her to talk but for her to be understood. Her head was already pounding. "I was up all night, planning, doing everything I could think of to make this easier for us. I called Mercy at 5 o'clock in the morning and begged for a job, I took a quarter of a million dollar pay cut. I bought a row-house sight-unseen and I'm pretty sure that I'm paying double the asking price because it's mortgage is more then the mortgage on our first house in Connecticut. I made rules and outlined our relationship so we could get to know each other and really figure out if we could be together again. We weren't going to rush into anything, I wanted to fix things, really fix us. We did it wrong before and we were going to do it right this time and you fired him because of me. He hates me now. It's our last chance and _he hates me_."

"I don't want him working with Meredith."

Addison looked up at him in surprise.

"It's better for _you_ if he's not working here with her, it's better for _her_ if he's working somewhere else," Richard explained, "It might be a little awkward for you and Meredith, but sending Derek somewhere else is better for all of you."

"Why couldn't you have just told him that instead of yelling and firing him?" she cried.

"Because he needed to be yelled at," Richard patted her shoulder and moved back around to sit in his chair, "He'll figure it out. He'll realize you're worth it."

XXXX

"What does emotionally disturbed mean?" Opal asked curiously as she daintily licked her ice cream cone - it was blue, purple and yellow.

Meredith stabbed her spoon into her bowl of frozen yogurt and flipped a tag over to check the price of a flowering bush. "It's just something people say. It's a grown up way of saying someone is sad and they don't want to talk about it or whatever."

"Why don't you want to talk about it?"

"Because it makes me sadder. But thats why your mom is here. Because sometimes it's better to talk about it, even though it makes you sadder," Meredith replied nonchalantly, not really paying attention to Opal's train of thought.

"Why? Why would you want to be sadder?"

"Because if you talk about it sometimes it stops making you sad. I," Meredith paused and smiled weakly, "I feel sad all the time, and it's not a nice feeling."

"Why are you sad?" Opal questioned softly.

Meredith looked down at her, Opal's eyes were dark with worry. "I just had some sad things happen to me. Grown up things."

They fell silent and walked aimlessly around the outdoor tables of plants.

"I had a little girl," Meredith said finally, "She died when she was a baby. It makes me sad that I don't get to see her everyday."

Opal nodded seriously, "My daddy lives in England. I don't get to see him everyday either, it makes me sad. I'm I emotionally disturbed too?"

"No," Meredith laughed, "Only grown-ups are emotionally disturbed."

"Oh. Is your little girl why you are emotionally disturbed?"

"Yeah. That's part of it," Meredith picked up a few pots and handed the smaller one to Opal, "After she died it was hard on her Dad too, so he decided that he wanted to be with someone else instead of me. That made me sad because he helped me feel happy even when I missed our baby."

"He should have stayed so you could be happy. You could get married and have another little girl. That would have made it better."

"That's what I thought too."

XXXX

_Knock, Knock, Knock,_

Derek stared through the glass door looking for signs of life in his best friend's house. It's deadly quiet even though it was 2 o'clock in the afternoon. Both cars were in the driveway, so he knew they must be home. He opened the door and steped inside and immediately triped over a diaper bag as he crossed the foyer filled with boxes, strollers, two 'big girl' beds, a kiddy pool and a few chairs that hadn't yet made it to their places around the kitchen table. "When the hell did this happen?" Derek asked himself outloud as he kicks away uncountable pairs of tiny sparkly sneakers.

"Who's there?" Sydney stepped out of the kitchen and smiled when she saw Derek, "Addison need more boxes?"

"No," he picked up a baby doll and put it in a child-size stroller, "Mark around?"

"He's asleep," Sydney replied as if that was what any reasonable person would be doing in the middle of the afternoon, "For the first time in a week every member of this family was asleep at the same time. What do you want?"

"Just… I need to talk to Mark," Derek's hands were buried deep in the pocket of the jacket he always wore no matter what the weather, and his eyes are wide and confused.

"About what?" Sydney pressed.

"Nothing," Derek evaded, "I don't know. I don't… I hate Addison!" He exclaimed, "She just got me fired! And she's… she's changing everything! She didn't even ask! She's just doing things and getting me fired!"

Sydney stared at him wearily for a moment, a smile fighting it's way across her lips until she covered her face with her hands and laughed –– an exhausted and disbelieving laugh –– but a genuine laugh none the less. "Want a cookie?"

X

"She's just making all these decisions about our life and she's not even asking me if it's okay," Derek whined and took another cookie.

"She's making decisions about her life."

"It effects me! She could ask!"

"It doesn't have to effect you."

"But it does. She made rules. I'm not even allowed to touch her for like 6 months. That effects me."

"She made rules?" Sydney grinned.

"She didn't sleep. She wrote rediculous rules about how I can only hold her hand on alternate Fridays and I'm stuck on first base for at least 2 weeks and I can only kiss her on full moons and national holidays."

"She wrote them down? Can't I see? Lemme see."

Derek shook his head and eyed the milk, "I'm not allowed. It's one of the rules. I'm not even suppose to be talking to you, I probably need written notarized approval or something."

"But you were allowed to talk to Mark?

"No. There is a specific rule that says that I can't. I was ignoring it 'cause the rules are stupid."

"I really doubt the rules are stupid. Addison's annoyingly smart." She grabbed a cookie, "Tell me. I can keep a secret. Tell Sydney the rules."

Derek sighed uncertainly, he didn't want to talk to her, but he needed to talk to someone, "It's just things we can and can't do, when we can be together, what we can do when we are together, how long we have to be together before we can do things. Who we can talk to about us, what we can say about us. It's stupid."

"Do it. Just do it. Seriously, do it."

"Sydney! They're stupid rules."

"They really aren't."

"They are! We can't have sex for 6 months! And we have to have some sort of fight first! They're stupid!"

"She's smarter then I thought."

"No! She's not! She's a _crazy woman_!"

"Well ya, I never said she wasn't slightly insane. But you like that about her," Sydney teased, "And she likes you enough to make up these insane rules so just go along with it."

"They don't make sense!"

"I know you don't believe that."

"They don't!" Derek insisted earnestly, "She said she wants to be with me but then she hands me this list of rules to keep me away."

"She did not."

"She did! The rules are insane! They are the ramblings of a _crazy person_!"

"I don't believe you."

"They are!"

"They aren't that bad."

"They are!"

"Prove it."

Derek pulled the list from his jeans pocket and thrust it across the table.

"You're an idiot," Sydney grabbed the list and threw a cookie at him, missing by a mile.

"I am n–– You tricked me!" Derek pouted slightly, "You know, I didn't even want to talk to you. I came here to talk to Mark!"

"Tough. Like Mark could help you anyways, he doesn't understand women or relationships. I'm a girl so I can at least make some educated guesses on the ways of females." Sydney slowly read through the list, laughing out loud more then once, "Okay, I'm doing some math here and you can have sex after 2 months, so quit whining. She'll probably let you have sex before she'll let me."

"She won't let you have sex?"

"I like to let her think she has a say in the matter."

"I'm telling."

"I wouldn't. You have a very serious situation on your hands. You are going to want my help. Unless a life of celibacy is appealing to you."

Derek's eyes widened and filled with fear, "What?"

Sydney grinned, "I'm kidding. She likes you and she wants you to work out this time so she is making rules so that you don't just fall back on old patterns of non-committal sex. She wants you to get to know each other again and not just expand your sexual repertoire. And she wants you to be in it for the same reasons and not just because you like her when she's naked. She knows you like her naked. The whole world knows you like her naked."

"She didn't have to get me fired," Derek sulked.

"No, that seems to have backfired on her," Sydney agreed, "She just wanted you guys to have some privacy. And, you know, this way you aren't working with Meredith which should give Addison some peace of mind."

"These are good cookies."

"Does this mean you're agreeing to the rules?"

"I don't know." Derek sighed, "We tried before and it didn't work out. She's talking forever. Until one of us dies. We've tried. Twice."

"Well thats stupid. Forever is a goal not an absolute. I'm never sure if my marriage will last the week, but I stay cause I'd rather be with him for another 5 days and the chance at more then cut my losses and get out." She yawned, "I haven't slept in a week. So are you going to do it? Are you?" She nodded her head in encouragement, "You are aren't you? Do it. Seriously, do it. Be a man. Do it!" she looked at him seriously and lowered her voice earnestly, "Do it. Worst case scenario, you guys are together and _happy_ for a few more years. It's worth it. Do it."

XXXX

"What do you think?" Adrienne stood proudly in the middle of Meredith's foyer in paint splattered overalls with her hair in a messy curly ponytail.

Meredith and Opal glanced around, their arms full of bright and colourful flowers with ice cream stains in the corners of their mouths. "It's nice," Meredith shrugged.

"I started with the kitchen, living room and bedroom. The new colours are suppose to balance you and instill calmness, except the red in the kitchen –– that's to get you to eat."

"I like it," Meredith nodded, "I like the curtains. And the couch looks good there."

"It was blocking your energy before. And the mirror on that wall was pushing the energy out the window instead of letting it flow through the house."

"Huh. Well, that explains it then."

"Do you feel calmer and at peace?" Adrienne pushed.

"Yeah. I do," Meredith grinned, a rare genuine grin, "Those 2 ice cream cones were completely worth it."

Adrienne smiled, "Today was a good day?"

"Today was a good day."

"And I had nothing to do with it?"

"You had nothing to do with it."

XXXX

Addison moved her phone from the counter to the top of the refrigerator –– out of the way of the packing materiel that she was throwing out –– and continued to unpack. Her nose wrinkled at the amount of dust that had managed to coat her old pots and pans while sealed in boxes, and she briefly considered throwing them out and buying a new set.

But they had been a gift from her husband for their first Christmas –– a bad gag gift, which she thought was hilarious –– and they were hardly used. She sighed heavily and piled them beside the sink and turned on the hot water.

She moved her phone from the top of the refrigerator to the window sill and got to work. She glanced at the phone, willing it to ring. They hadn't spoken about the rules yet, he hadn't been around when she got out of the shower –– turns out he had gone over to her new house and helped Alex –– and from her conversation with Alex she suspected that Derek thought she was kidding about the Rules.

She was very serious about the Rules.

She'd, of course, seen him in Richard's office. She was pretty sure he started to understand how serious she was then. And then she couldn't find him to talk to him –– not that she blamed him, she'd rendered him unemployed while getting herself a raise.

As she rinsed off the first pot it occurred to her that maybe he wouldn't call, maybe –– hopefully –– he would come over. She dried her hands and grabbed her cell phone again before walking the length of her new house to the front door and testing the doorbell.

It worked.

She glanced anxiously up and down the street and bounced a bit on the balls of her feet. It was only 7 o'clock. The sun wasn't even completely set. It was early.

He could still come.

XXXX

Derek swallowed hard, twice, attempting to force the scotch down his throat with minimal burning.

He took aim and threw another dart at the dartboard which held Addison's rules carefully centered over the bulls-eye. He missed. Again.

He took another drink and aimed again. He hit the 'g' in number 6, then missed 3 more times before hitting a rough doodle of a tree on a 3-D box, then missed again. He pulled his darts out and took aim again, hitting a subsection of rule 13, and finally gave up. The paper was sprinkled with holes, he'd hit the paper at least 20 times before the alcohol started impairing his aim. He rescued the paper and carefully folded it.

Easing onto the bar stool slowly and drunkenly he unfolded the paper again, the creases already becoming well worn, and spread it scrupulously on the counter before motioning for Joe to pour him another double.

He could only pray that everything would become clear with the vision blurring, head-pounding stomach-twisting-and-heaving, longing for death hangover that the morning would bring.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**RULES**

1. At the movies there has to be at least 15 people sitting behind us. Movie ratings must be PG-13 or below.

2. If in a room together the lights must to be on, neither party can he horizontal.

3. If seated beside one another on a couch or similar, parties must be no closer then 6 inches unless some barrier such as an arm rest is present.

3.1. Any attempt to violate the aforementioned personal space boundaries as outlined clearly in rule 3 should be considered a threat to the entire agreement

4. Handholding only on weekends.

5. Parties can't be together between midnight and 6am

6. No leg touching

7. Kisses on the cheek 3 times a week, but not 2 days in a row

8. No physical contact at the hospital or within sight of the hospital. No eating at restaurants within 10 blocks of the hospital or Meredith's house.

9. Goodnight kisses only on Saturdays, and can't exceed 3 minutes. All goodnight kisses must be conducted on a fully lit front porch.

9.2. All offers of nightcaps, coffee or the like offered after the goodnight kiss must be turned down. It's a test.

10. No double dates.

11. Relationship is to be kept strictly monogamous. Failure by either party to keep relationship monogamous will result in the immediate termination of the relationship and no further chances will be given.

12. After successfully adhering to the rules the following can be amended according to the following schedule (contingent on the agreement to amend by both parties on each individual amendment):

a) Handholding (see rule 4) can increase by one extra day per week on a bi-weekly bases.

b) Distance between parties when sitting on couch or similar, as outlined in rule 3, may decrease by one inch every 10 days.

c) 1(one) extra kiss on the cheek, per week, will be granted on a weekly bases. In adherence to the consecutive days clause (rule 7) kisses on the cheek may be given on the same day provided that it's a weekend.

d) Good night kisses (rule 9) may be lengthened by 30 seconds with each date (see 'What Constitutes a Date' below) after 3 weeks of adhering to all rules.

13. The sexual relationship between parties will follow, for simplicity sake, the 'Bases' which both parties are familiar with and therefore trickery or claims of 'it was different when I was in high school' will not be tolerated. There is a mandatory 3 week waiting period between agreeing to the rules and entering back into a sexual relations as outlined below. The three weeks should be used for reflection and quality time together. Bases are as follows: First, Second, Shortstop, Third, Home. The following conditions apply:

13.1. The duration of time spent on first base must be at a minimum 18 days but cannot exceed 1 month. Should first base last more then 1 month with either party feeling that the relationship has not progressed sufficiently to warrant progression to Second base then the relationship will be terminated.

13.2. The duration of time spent on second base is as stated for First base (see Rule 13.1) with the added condition that parties have gone on 6 dates within the second base time frame.

13.3. Short stop is a gift not contingent on anything aside from a delay of 10 days from the commencement of Second base.

13.4. Third base may be explored at the discretion of both parties as long as a minimum of 6 weeks has elapsed since commencement of the bases. Parties must have survived 1 major disagreement which has resulted in tears for one or both parties, and yelling for a duration of at least 1 hour and the inability to be around each other for 24 hours. With this comes the amendment for possible sleepovers (after a minimum of 10 days on Third base) and shared living arrangements should the introduction of sleepovers make the need for separate dwellings obsolete.

13.5. A Home Run can not be achieved until Parties have had 'The Fight'. If 'The Fight' has not been had within 4 month of the writing of these rules then the relationship; personal, profession, sexual, etc will be terminated. A home run can not be achieved through simple continuation of base rules. Set amount of times and dates will not be sufficient enough to progress to this, the final stage.

14. The relationship, sexual or otherwise, will not be discussed with outside parties, aside from general simplistic responses. For example, "How are you and Addison doing?" "Good." If an outside party persists further, always be prepared with a topic change (ex: "So, how 'bout those Mariners?") In the event of relentless prodding by said other parties, retaliation with a compliment or outburst the likes of which will be sufficient in ceasing all conversation is allowed.

14.1. a) Parties may choose 1(one) confidant in whom they can confide and seek advice. These confidants may not take the place of either party when it comes to important matters in relation to the afore mentioned relationship.

14.1. b) The chosen confidant must have no personal investment in the success of the relationship so as not to persuade either party to do something that is not in the best interest of either party or the overall well-being of the relationship.

14.1. c) Acceptable confidants include: Catherine Shepherd and Adrienne Montgomery. Unacceptable confidants include Mark and Meredith.

14.1. d) Chosen confidant must be disclosed in full to both parties and an alternative is never allowed

15. Parties will take tango lessons in lieu of any kind of therapy or counseling as Seattle is full of head shrinking quacks. Lessons in and of themselves do not count as dates.

16. Dates shall not be referred to as such. It just sounds ridiculous for us to date. This is a label-less monogamous relationship. I am not your girlfriend, you are not my boyfriend, we are not a couple. We are simply ascertaining if we can spend the rest of our lives together in a happy and loving way. Should rule 13.5 be reached and both parties are still committed to the furthering of the relationship until the death of one of the parties then appropriate labels will be discussed and new rules created as necessary.

17. Parties can not be together when intoxicated. Parties get grabby.

**What Constitutes a Date**

1. Dates must not consist of more than 30 minutes of work talk. We spent the majority of our lives at the hospital; there's no need to talk about it excessively when we're not there.

2. Must be at a set time and location and planned at least 3 days in advance in order to count towards the time increase of the goodnight kiss

3. Spontaneous dates are encouraged and in some ways preferable

4. Neither party should appear as though they are trying too hard to make a date work. if such an event occurs, parties must return to their respective homes and try again another night

5. Planned dates must cost the male party at least 100, be a minimum of 3 hours long and include 2 activities, including food as the female party must be fed.

6. Female party's outfit/hair must be sincerely complimented until compliment is sincerely returned.

7. Female party must be picked up at her doorstep. If this is impossible due to extenuating circumstances then other arrangements can be discussed.

8. Dates may not in anyway include The Emerald City bar.

9. Co-workers must be avoided at all costs. In case of accidental meeting of co-workers parties must immediately begin making excuses to extract themselves. Diversions are permissible, setting small fires is not.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

So there's that.

Why are these people so damn MESSY!

Anyhoooo.

Reviews are like JAN! And if you don't get that, well then you aren't Me or Sarah.

Reviews will get you lei'd.

(And if you're Kitten then you get a sexy hula with a coconut bra! –– and later we can use the coconuts for pina colada's!)


	5. Suddenly I See

This chapter was more or less impossible to write. Sarah is going to read this and be like 'this isn't any of the chapters that you sent me, this doesn't look like anything that we talked about" and she would be right. But this is the only thing that worked and the only thing that as I was writing I didn't have to force and the only thing that once I wrote I knew I couldn't change.

So this is what you get.

Did I mention that this is the last chapter of the section?

No?

It's the last chapter.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

On August 23rd Adrienne Montgomery ceased to be Meredith Grey's therapist and became simply her friend.

XXXX

4 (-ish) AM.

_The Butterfly Effect says that if a butterfly flaps its wings in Australia it could cause a tornado in Canada. I'm the tornado in Canada, I'm waiting for Derek and Addison to flap their wings so I'll know what direction I'm suppose to go in._

_If she asked him to go, then they are together. Alex said that she moved out of his apartment and into her own place, so if they are together then they are probably living together. I should have been expecting this, but I wasn't. Everyday that passed I thought I would hear something about them being together, or not being together. I know I've said this before, but I wish they had just gotten together months ago when this was all fresh. I could have handled it then, everything would have been flying at me at once and I would have just dealt or died. Now they've spent 6 months deciding if they want to be together and I hate that. He cheated on me and if he had to cheat on me I want it to be because he loves her. But, I don't see any other reason that he would cheat on me with Addison. I know I could forgive him if it was with someone else, so I need him to love her._

_If she didn't ask him to move to Mercy West then they aren't together and he is going to get away from her. He never had to move to get away from me. I know he loved me. I know he loved me. I know. But not enough to move I guess._

XXXX

"I've decided to get married."

"Oh really," Cristina turned slightly towards Izzie and attempted not to look as interested as she was. Annoying as Izzie could be, she was a source of entertainment on a slow day.

"I'm going to be 30 in exactly one month––"

"And you want to be married before that?"

"No," Izzie replied as if Cristina was the one that was making insane statements, "I want to be married by the time I'm 32, which means I need to meet someone right now."

"So they can get to know you?" Cristina asked in a slightly patronizing fashion.

"So we can fall deeply and madly in love."

"32 seems old. Better stick with 30. A quickie marriage will trap him before he realizes you are deeply and madly deranged."

"Cause that worked so well for Callie."

"In my defense, I married George," Callie picked up a pair of scrub pants, "Are these seriously low-rise scrubs?"

"Gimme," Cristina grabbed them from Callie's hand and held them up in front of her, "Are you planning on marrying George? It might be the easiest route. He knows you but likes you anyway, and you are already living together so you don't have to move… maybe you could have an open marriage."

"Quickie marriages don't work," Izzie argued.

"They work for some people," Cristina argued back simply for the sake of arguing.

"For who?" Callie continued to peruse the new section on scrubs with distaste, "Wearing empire waisted scrub tops with pattern accents is going to make me feel like I need to do my hair and wear nice shoes to work," she looked mournfully at her ratty tennis sneakers.

"Mark and Sydney are still married. They didn't even date," Cristina pointed out, "At least Izzie wont have to tailor her scrubs anymore."

"Hey," Izzie protested, "I'm not the only one that does that! And Mark and Sydney aren't normal human beings."

"Derek and Addison," Meredith joined the conversation –– she'd been behind a screen trying on some of the new styles, "They only dated a few months."

Her friends where silent.

"Would we consider them successful?" Cristina asked.

"Are you considering Sydney a human?" Meredith shrugged, "They're still together. It counts for something I guess."

"Are they together?" Callie asked, feigning disinterest.

"I guess."

"Hey. Did you guys hear that he was _fired_?" Izzie asked suddenly.

"No!" All three spun to face her.

"I heard that Montgomery was leaving." Cristina offered.

Meredith shook her head, "No, she's staying, I asked Alex this morning. He didn't say anything about Derek being fired though. Just that he was leaving. And Addison moved out of Alex's," she offered, "Yesterday."

"Addison was living with Alex?" Izzie asked in surprise.

"Ya. Something was going on with them, I think."

"No, surprise there," Callie muttered under her breath.

"Speaking of secret liaisons," Izzie smiled sweetly, "Callie, where have you been spending your nights lately? You never came home for our girls night last weekend."

Callie blushed and exchanged a glance with Cristina, "Is that my pager?" she asked, looking at her silent pager, "I need to go. Emergency."

"Smooth Cal," Cristina rolled her eyes as Callie left the room.

"I look pregnant in this shirt," Meredith said quietly as she examined her reflection in the mirror.

"You!" Bailey stormed through the door and pointed to a chair in the corner of the room, "Sit there." Tuck meekly sat in the corner and settled a book in his lap. "Damn babysitters –– bronchitis. Do any of you have an extra intern that can babysit?"

They all shook their heads.

"We bogged them down with the impossible so we could come see the new scrubs," Izzie offered, "But we're free."

"Great," Bailey turned on her heel and abruptly left the room, pausing only long enough to kiss her son on the forehead.

Cristina turned slowly to face Izzie, "Why are you the way that you are?"

The sound of pagers filled the room. Cristina and Izzie glanced at their waists, then looked guiltily at Meredith.

"Sucker."

"Noooo," Meredith followed Cristina and Izzie into the halls leaving Tuck alone with his book, "You can't leave me alone with him. And I'm done. I want to go home!"

"Meredith! I need an intern!" Mark gave her a charming smile and flashed his dimples.

"My interns are passed out after working 48 hours." Meredith grinned back.

"So you aren't working right now?"

"Dr. Sloane!" A nurse down the hall yelled at Mark, a twin on one hip and the other by the hand.

"Sloane!" Richard roared from the opposite direction.

"Mer…" Mark pleaded.

"I can't! I've already got Tuck."

"Great! I've got to go," Mark grabbed his daughters from the nurse, kissed them each on the cheek, and ordered them to behave with Aunty Meredith, before disappearing as quickly as he appeared.

XXXX

Between 9 and 10 AM

_When you lose someone other people think that it's in your best interest never to think about the person that you lost. Maybe this is unique to doctors. We lose people every day. We go to the bar, we go to bed, we carry on and the next day we forget. I don't know if this is normal, I grew up around doctors. _

_I've never played with the twins. Mark and Sydney took them home from the hospital the day that Julie died. No one wanted me to remember that I should have had what they have. Like I could forget. _

XXXX

Meredith tightened the harness around Bea and checked that Tuck was buckled before climbing into the front seat of Mark's SUV and jamming the key in the ignition. She glanced in the mirror as strains of overly energetic children's songs filled the car. She groaned inwardly as she caught her reflection along side 3 children –– looking every bit the soccer mom.

"Okay, let's go," she said enthusiastically.

By the time she pulled off the ferry and turned towards Mark and Sydney's house she was singing along with the CD (under her breath of course) and praising Tuck on his reading skills. The twins were fast asleep.

Sydney answered Tuck's persistent ringing of her doorbell to find Meredith holding both drowsy twins cuddled against her chest and faint tears in her eyes.

Sydney took Roxie from Meredith's arms and watched her apprehensively,

Meredith brushed her fingers through Bea's ponytail, "I'm okay. They're just so …"

"I need ta pee," Tuck squirmed from one foot to the other.

Sydney laughed, momentarily forgetting Meredith, "Well then we better get you to a toilet," she ushered Tuck inside leaving Meredith to wander in on her own.

Meredith walked slowly, rubbing Bea's back and whispering to her.

Derek was sitting at the kitchen table when she entered, rumpled and gripping his black coffee like it was his lifeline.

The air between them was charged as Meredith and Derek locked eyes over the baby's head.

"Derek…" she said softly.

Derek stood abruptly.

"Derek," Meredith spoke again, stronger this time.

Derek simply stared at her, holding a baby so naturally. The guilt was suffocating.

He walked out the door and didn't look back.

XXXX

Around 2 in the afternoon

_I HATE DEREK SHEPHERD._

_HATE. HATE. HATE._

_HATE. HATE. HATE._

_HATE. HATE. HATE._

_**HATE!**_

XXXX

"Screw him!"

Adrienne stood to the side and allowed Meredith to storm into her hotel suite, Tuck following meekly behind her. "Your boyfriends are getting kinda young don't you think? I know it seemed to work for Addison, but hers were… well, legal."

"I don't have the patience for your _snark_ right now!" Meredith exclaimed in rage, "He just walked out on me! No. Ran. He ran out on me! Like I was the one that did something to OFFEND HIM! _He cheated on me!_ He was the one screwing––"

"Meredith!" Adrienne cut in, "Tuck," she reminded her.

"Sorry," Meredith's voice cracked, "Sorry, I'm just… I just–– I need a time out."

Adrienne laughed at her kid censored terminology, "I'll call Ruby and see if she can take the kids for the afternoon."

XXXX

About 2:35 in the afternoon.

_I know that Adrienne's stupid rules for 'staying sane' state that I should never say 'what if', but seriously? SERIOUSLY? Her rules are retarded. I was standing there holding a baby –– a baby that is the EXACT SAME AGE as our daughter –– and he just walks out on me! What if that HAD been OUR daughter I was holding. What if Julie had lived? Would he still have walked out on me? What if I hadn't found out that he was screwing her right under my nose, would he have eventually left me, or would he have just carried on not caring that he was making a fool out of me. What if he left? I couldn't have taken care of her on my own. She's a whole PERSON that needs to be cared for. I can't be responsible for a whole PERSON all by myself. I'll screw up. I will cause irreversible damage to a child left in my care. _

_When you stare blankly into space then things become clearer. It's ironic that unfocusing brings things into focus._

_I wouldn't have screwed her up. I loved her to much to screw her up. I won't cause irreversible damage. I can't. Because I'm a mother, a real mother. Not a doctor who's a mother, but a mother who happens to spend her day's as a doctor. Julie changed me and made me stronger. I don't need Derek anymore. _

_Derek changed me too. I thought he made me weak and dependent. But he made me want things that I never wanted before –– a family and a home and Julie. Those things made me stronger, they made me feel connected to other people when I was so used to being alone. I thought that being independent meant that I didn't need people. I need people, but I don't need to depend on them to make me happy. I depended on Derek when I should have depended on myself. If Derek left me with Julie we would have been okay, we would have been happy together because we would have loved each other unconditionally._

_Derek and I love each other with conditions, and I can't live up to his. He wants me to make him not love Addison, and I can't do that. I loved him on the condition that he take care of me and fight my demons –– and I can't do that anymore. I need to do it myself._

XXXX

"Are there people with rocks at the hospital?" Tuck asked as he patiently coloured in his _Landmarks of America_ colouring book while they waited for Adrienne to get off the phone with her eldest daughter and official childcare provider.

"Rocks?"

"Mama said people can get rocks inside them."

"Oh," Meredith nodded in understanding, "Kidney stones."

"Yeah. Where are those people?"

"I don't know if there is anyone with Kidney stones at the hospital today. Why?"

"I like rocks," Tuck explained simply, "I have lots of rocks at home. I have one thats really smooth and round like a ball, and one that is all black with no other colours and one that Daddy says is glass, it's all green and you can kinda see through it, and one that has orange lines all through it, and––"

"I had a pet rock once," Meredith spoke over him, he didn't mind and never stopped talking. Meredith doodled in the corner of her journal which she had dug out of her purse.

"They are all in a box and I _really_ want a rock from a person."

"Really? Why?" Meredith half listened to Tuck as she wrote out her scattered thought one or two words at a time.

"–– and so I'm not allowed to have them in my room, not even when Daddy cleans them _really really_ good. But Mama says that Kinney's clean out your blood real good so that your blood isn't intoxicated, so a Kinney rock would be real clean right? So I could keep it in my room.".

"Right," Meredith shrugged, she could see how that would make sense –– to a five year old. She jotted down a few more notes in her journal, maybe the simplicity of a five year old was just what she needed –– Adrienne was always encouraging her to try new venues in the vast world of therapeutics, but when it came right down to it Adrienne really just wanted to talk. And she was tired of talking about it.

"How do the Kinney rocks get into the people? And how do they get out?"

"Let's go back to the hospital and we'll find out. I bet we can even find one for you to take home." She didn't see the harm in giving a 5 year old a rock that passed through a human being's urinary track. As far as five year olds went Meredith figured that an interest in kidney stones clearly revealed Bailey's only child to be a genius. "Have you ever heard of Gall Stones?"

"No!" he exclaimed excitedly, jamming his colouring book into his bookbag, "This is so cool! You're awesome!"

"Oh, you'll really like those. They are really cool looking," Meredith turned the page in her journal and wrote one last thing before closing it and leaving it in the center of the table for Adrienne. "Let's go."

XXXX

Derek walked across the grass taking care not to make any noise to disturb the peace of the graveyard.

"Hey."

Derek winced at Meredith, sitting on the ground leaning against a nearby bench. "I didn't see you there."

"I watched you drive up. I thought if you saw me you'd turn around and leave."

Derek didn't deny it. He stuffed his hands in the pockets of his lightweight jacket and let his eyes rest on the simple white plaque embedded in the earth.

"What did you bring her?"

Derek smiled in spite of himself and pulled a pair of tiny purple sneakers out of his pocket, "Mark bought the same ones for the twins––"

"But theirs are pink," Meredith smiled.

"I thought you'd like the purple better."

"I like the sparkles," she looked at him quickly out of the corner of her eye but was careful not the make eye contact, "I love the locket you got her for her birthday. I took it home –– it's in my jewelry box."

"I was worried it would get lost in the snow before you got here."

"We should have come together."

Derek was silent.

"We weren't okay were we? It had been awhile since we'd been okay."

"Our daughter died, Mer."

"But before that."

"We were fine –– you were fine –– I wasn't fine, but together we were fine."

She winced, but didn't dwell, "I brought her a book. She's probably have ruined the pages, but I couldn't find a board-book version for her."

"_Good Night Moon_," Derek smiled "She has so many books. I spend most visits reading to her."

"I know," Meredith smiled too, "I –– You found a board copy of _I Love You, Forever, _I looked all over town for that. It's in her nursery at home."

"I was in Connecticut visiting my mom a few months ago."

"Would it be different if she'd lived?"

"Yes," Derek said without hesitation, but with an edge of sadness.

"We would've been happy, wouldn't we."

"Yes." Derek sighed, "I was a better man when I was her father."

Meredith stood slowly, her eyes locked on the grave, "I'm happier being her mother."

XXXX

Adrienne sipped her tea slowly as she read through final entries in Meredith's journal. She'd been surprised to see that Meredith had left it, deliberately open to the first page. She set her teacup on the nightstand and readjusted her blankets over her legs. She was absorbed in Meredith's personal reflections written in a protectively detached tone.

She could have a best seller if Meredith choose to publish.

Adrienne flipped to the last page, empty except for one sentence written in neat block letters in the center:

_I'm going to have a baby._

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing here, but this is the end of the section. I wanted to do more with Addek, but I couldn't go any further with Meredith without it being weird, and just dropping Meredith and making it all about Addek would have interrupted some weird flow that only I would have noticed. But hopefully now that I have decided on this course of action writing the next section won't be as hard as writing this chapter.

So for review, which you know I want, I'd like you to tell me with characters you are most interested in keeping up with… say for an epilogue.

REVIEW.


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